Captain: What You Say!?!

     I was tooling around with my email today (Gmail is the bomb diggity) and I foolishly ventured into my spam folder. First off, the spam screen for Gmail is awesome. There was absolutely nothing in there that I wanted to look at, it even knows me so well that it places overdue bills there. Just fantastic. Anyway, I noticed that I had some apparently important unread messages from people with some very strange names. I read them and was totally confounded by the weirdness.

Email 1:
From: Rosia Rusiecki
Date: Tue, Feb 10, 2009 at 9:32 AM
Subject: Message Alert – You Have 1 Imporrtant Unread Message

How To Impress Your Girlfriendd
Click HERE

Sure, i know! Aaron replied. I thought you would, am notah
insensible, to the manyahmany things how do you know that,
sir? Asked summerlee, sharply. Of one point. Linda considered
herself guilty. And then i blurted out the words that came
to.

Email 2:
From: Routledge Rigazio
Date: Tue, Feb 10, 2009 at 4:37 PM
Subject: Message Alert – You Have 1 Importaant Unread Message

How To Impress Yourr Girlfriend
Click HERE

Of diverse kinds. The bare ground is their seat. And her
brows are calm, but he was like all loversblindand is all
open and uninclosed: not a fence is to of this curse, thou
shalt again become a brahmana. Which outlived its creator
through centuries of.

Email 3:
From: Courie Keaffaber
Date: Fri, Feb 13, 2009 at 8:05 PM
Subject: Happy Valenntines Day!

Improve your love life wiith generic Viagra
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Be showy and picturesque enough, all things considered, credible
witness in the court of public works oh another sort of
trustee, isn’t he, ellie? At in a kind of apache getup,
tightlybuttoned coat, in the estate! You represent your
father when.

Email 4:
From: Haislip Spurlin
Date: Sat, Feb 14, 2009 at 6:45 AM
Subject: Happy Valentinees Day!

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Pallor of weariness returned. I have been upon sportive are
not fearful poisons set up in the thy rays. Thou art called
indra, thou art vishnu, to tell the attributes of the illustrious
siva. Clean up your plate or i’ll give you a good hiding..

Email 5:
From: Roscioli Centanni
Date: Sat, Feb 14, 2009 at 1:35 PM
Subject: Happy Valentinees Day!

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Perfume of newmown hay greets us, and the road while it lasted,
and we’re still the best of friends. That in my despair
and disappointment, after a where they are to be found,
or can contrive to latter nodded gently. Yes, my friend,
he said..

Email 6:
From: Dawber Fireman
Date: Sat, Feb 14, 2009 at 8:39 PM
Subject: Happy Valentiness Day!

IImprove your love life with generic Viagra
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The man i was. I will not be the man i must have was a narrow
channel onlytom. Wide, where the to the opinion of six out
of the nine judges in was collected from imposts, and the
citizen imagined nearly two years ago, in the expectation
of a.

     Okay, so lets discuss. First of all, what is with the names? Dawber Fireman? Shenanigans. There is no way that anyone in history has ever had that name. I can’t even tell if that name is supposed to be male or female. Also, why all the random misspellings? Valentines wasn’t spelled correctly once, but misspelled in a different way each time. How do you pull that off? And why the creepy drug induced free word association poetry? I found that so incredibly disturbing that I don’t even know what to say. Apparently someone thinks I could really use some generic Viagra.

—

Listen: Jadakiss, “Why”
Quote: “What news do you bring?” – Matt

Yahoo Movie’s User Review — Paul Blart: Mall Cop

DISCLAIMER: Paying homage to the Enduring Vision, I have decided to continue one of Josh’s regular features that I loved so much: Posting some Yahoo! Movie’s User Reviews. For some reason, you tend to see the most ridiculous ideas, spelling and punctuation on these forums. Anyway, I hope Josh doesn’t sue me. You see, I’m rebroadcasting with implied oral consent, not express written consent. Enjoy!

Good Fun
by cidygurl32 (movies profile) Jan 16, 2009
9 of 11 people found this review helpful

If you love Kevin James and/or KOQ you’ll like this. I took my 7 & 8 yr old girls (school was cancelled that day) and to my surprise, a ton of kids all ages were there. It was silly, but there were some classic moments. There was an f bomb, but clean otherwise for kids.

Clint: NOT AN F-BOMB! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

It had its moments.
by billjackson1959@sbcglobal.net (movies profile) Jan 19, 2009
7 of 9 people found this review helpful

Like most stupid-silly comedies this one had its moments but for the most part was boring. The plot was a boring retold story and many inconsistencies were obvious. Wait for the DVD.

Clint: So it sucked, but you want me to buy the DVD. NOT FREAKING LIKELY.

Not the best, but…
by shadowofthesphinx (movies profile) Jan 17, 2009
5 of 5 people found this review helpful

It is rather hilarious. I’m difficult to please when it comes to comedy, but this went beyond my expectations. I expected it to suck, but it did the opposite. It was amazing and Kevin James is so funny in it.

Clint: Opposite of suck=blow. I don’t think you know what the word opposite means.

amazingly funny must see
by cab1018 (movies profile) Jan 16, 2009
10 of 16 people found this review helpful

omg the funniest movie iv ever seen its a must see kevin james is amazingly funny so stop haten on kevin james hes amazing .

Clint: You need help with punctuation, capitals and spelling. I would suggest second grade.

REFRESHING MOVIE FOR THE NEW YEAR!
by brendab1960 (movies profile) Jan 24, 2009
6 of 8 people found this review helpful

Refreshing to see a movie without bad language, unnecessary sexual content, good script writing, and enjoyable throughout! Characters were real and relatable. Perhaps Hollywood should consider more movies to follow suit!

Clint: How about it Hollywood?
Hollywood: No dice.

wow funny
by barronvon@sbcglobal.net (movies profile) Jan 16, 2009

this is the funneys movie in the planit omg live this move wow this movie is the best wow its good it is movie i did not see it but it is good

Clint: Wait…what?

Die Hard goes to the Mall. A+
by squidninja2000 (movies profile) Jan 17, 2009

Funny movie, witty, charming and fun for all. Hilariously dumb plot pits Mall Cop against Die-hard-esque villains who popped straight out of a Tony Hawk video game.

Go see it, your face will hurt from smiling for 90 minutes straight.

Kevin James is a lovable clown who is surprisingly athletic.

Clint: Your face will hurt because I’m going to punch it.

Great Movies
by janie_espinosa (movies profile) Jan 17, 2009

The movies is great. I like the acting,of Kevin James I love it when is comes out in Kinks of Queens, Chuck and Laerry. He does grat movies and showes. Adam Sandler has directed great movies. He is funny also when he act.

Clint: I don’t think your keyboard is functioning properly.

blah blah blah
by bblank3267 (movies profile) Jan 22, 2009

it sucked, but I’ll give it a good grade phsyce didin’t even watch the movie.dfffffffff jfjf jffjd jd djf fkd fkf dkff dfkf dkf fkfd fkjdfd fkdjfb dfkdf df dkjfbdf dfdjfbdfsdlfks skdjfbss fsdjfs dflsdjfs dflsjdflsdflsdjfls dflsdfsld sdlkfsjdlfkjsd fsldfnsldkfns dfsldfs dflsjdbfs dflsd fsldfsdk fdlf df dlb fnfffnd sbs df dfd sn d snabnans d sjd djsjdiyfbhew ee cekew dejceb c ewkjew efewk jk wj kew cje eiwe ckjew ewienb

Clint: This sounds like a serious medical condition.

WOOF! Kevin James is one hot bear, grrrrrrrr.
by bear_cubster (movies profile) Jan 18, 2009

He is one fine funny woofy sexy bear of a man. Kevin for your next movie, grow a beard and appear without your shirt as often as possible.

Clint: Gross, just gross.

DON’T WASTE YOUR MONEY
by glowelec (movies profile) Jan 17, 2009

THIS MOVIE SUCKED. WATCH THE TRAILORS AND YOU’LL SEE THE BEST PARTS. VERY DISAPOINTED. HOWEVER MY 9YR OLD SAID SHE LIKED IT.

Clint: My ears are ringing from the loudness of your capital letters.

Old fat slob goes for young skinny chick.
by mckimmie37 (movies profile) Jan 18, 2009
3 of 7 people found this review helpful

Too bad they didn’t just stick to slapstick here. The fact they had an old fat guy go for a young, pretty woman ruined it for me. No wonder there are so many lonley hearts out there. Hollywood makes all men think that the only objects of affection should be skinny and twenty-something. It lives the slobs and the nice, older and some plumper women all alone. What was even worse they made the daughter overweight too. What is the message for young girls? You must be anorexic to be attractive. The actress in the movie wouldn’t weigh 100 lbs soaking wet.
It was such a distraction for me, I could not enjoy what was a mediocre movie at best. Save your $ and watch reruns of King of Queens. At least the woman on there is age and size appropriate for Kevin James.

Clint: Take that society.

bad, don’t go
by mjhoffnerpe (movies profile) Jan 19, 2009

this movie is off the charts, they don’t go that low!!! no acting, no premise or plot and is completely void of value. your only laughter will come from laughing at yourself for spending the money in the first place!!

Clint: Somebody call Obama! We need charts that go lower!

really REALLY bad
by prettyeyesh (movies profile) Jan 20, 2009

this movie sucked so bad i wouldnt admit to people that i saw it. i swear his career is ruined

Clint: I guess you’re pretty pissed that you just admitted to the entire world that you saw this movie.
Prettyeyesh: Wait, the people on the internet machine are REAL?!?

It was stuped.
by bruce_hills (movies profile) Jan 24, 2009
1 of 4 people found this review helpful

im mark durfey from san jose california and i thot it waz stuped. it was stuped because the jokes wear stuped. it was like sarah silverman. i dont like stuped stuff. id rather see a movie like date movie, epic movie, or dizaster movie. those are some movies with reel tast, nothing like paul blart. it was the werst movie ever seen. i havent scene it yet but i no itill b bad. trust mark durfey.

Clint: Considering that Mark here just said Date Movie, Epic Movie and Disaster Movie had real taste, I think we know who the stupid one is: Mark Durfey.

—

Listen: “Kick, Push” – Lupe Fiasco

Quote:
Josh: Yeah. You guys don’t realize it, but you’re having a pretty bad night.
Guy 1: Oh really – and who’s gonna give it to us, huh?
Agent: Federal Agents!
Sam and Josh: Right here!
Agent: Shut up! I swear to God I’ll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.
Guy 1: Hey, I ain’t done with you Sammy.
Charlie: My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket’s an 8-ball of blow, you’ll be spending Spring Break in a Federal Prison. Now I’m having a good time.

High School Stories: Part the Second

     I have a lot of interesting and funny stories from high school. Some of these you will never hear. But some you will. This is one of the latter. The next few posts from me will probably just be amusing stories. It’s been a while since I’ve noticed something worth actually RANTING about. Perhaps I’m becoming more mellow in my old age. I doubt it though, I just haven’t really felt like putting myself into a rage lately. However, if I hear Tim Tebow’s name mentioned one more time I might actually kill someone. Just seeing it in type brings me close to a murderous rage, so perhaps an actual rant is on the way. Not right now though. Sit back and enjoy this story.

     Actually, I can start off with a semi-rant. I was watching MTV’s High School Stories (I honestly didn’t see the show before posting my first High School Stories rant, so I’m going to claim credit for the name and say that they stole it from me. Bastards.) and they had a story about North Penn High School. North Penn is one school district over and some tools there got on MTV by pulling a prank in which they forked the lawn of their high school. For those of you that don’t know, forking is when you purchase vast quantities of plastic forks and put them spokes down into the ground. If you get enough people and enough forks, this can be accomplished very quickly and it’s kind of a pain in the ass to take all the forks out for whoever has to do it. It made me angry because this is a prank that Matty and I are very well versed in. We’ve done it multiple times with varying levels of success and have never gotten on MTV for it.

     This fact pisses me off on various fronts. The first is that these morons only got on MTV because they acted like idiots and got caught. Matty and I are still at large. It’s not because we were any less bold than these toolboxes, it’s because we have the stealth of mountain cats. One time we did it to the front lawn of our own high school (SOUDERTON, WHAT!). For those that don’t know, our high school’s front lawn is in a very conspicuous area, a main road goes right by it (literally five feet from where we were). We managed to blitzkrieg the crap out of it and put about 1,500 forks in the lawn in about three minutes. That’s how its done kids. We’re pros.

     Another time, we found it necessary to evade police. We rolled into the development of our victim at about midnight and noticed that we were being tailed by a cop. Due to some quick thinking on our part, we decided to keep driving to the house of a girl that we knew in the same development. As we got out of the car, the cop accosted us and asked us what we were doing. We told him we were visiting a friend and he explained to us that there had been some eggings in the area and he thought we looked suspicious. He then let us go, but looked in the backseat of Matty’s car on the way back to his cruiser. Apparently, he thought nothing of the thousands of forks we had in the backseat. Now the problem was what the hell we were supposed to do. The cop was still sitting in his car. The house we were standing in front of was completely dark. It’s a school night and if we knock on the door at midnight this girls parents are probably going to kill us. If we just drive away, the cop is going to wonder what the hell we’re doing. Basically we’re screwed. At that exact time, the girl’s father comes out with the garbage. We talk to him and explain the situation and we know him pretty well so he’s cool with it. Meanwhile the cop leaves, so we decided to call it a night. You think this story’s over but it’s ready to begin. We leave the development and turn onto the road. I look behind us and see a car and I was pretty sure that it was the same cop car that had just stopped us. Matty takes a turn onto a side road and I continue to look out the back window. I see the cop car go past the intersection we just left and then slam on his brakes. So, for the second time of the night, we’re screwed. Matty, however has an epiphany. He pulls into his grandparents driveway, which happened to be twelve feet from where we were, and turns the lights off. Ten seconds later, the cop blows by the driveway, obviously trying to catch up with us. Totally didn’t even see us. Matty pulls out of the driveway and burns the other way. Simply amazing. I’ve never been more proud of Landis in my life.

     So now, I’ve provided evidence that we are way sneakier than those fools from North Penn that got caught. I will also prove that our technique is far superior. Forking a lawn is nice and its a pain in the ass to take the forks for the victim, but we didn’t feel that that was humiliating enough. As an added twist, we started putting Vaseline on the forks after putting them in the ground. This serves two functions. First, it makes it much harder to take the forks out of the ground. Second, after taking the forks out of the ground, your hands are covered with Vaseline. In order to get back into your house to wash your hands, you have to touch the doorknob and BOOM, now your doorknob has Vaseline on it. SUCKER. Wow, looking back at this I realize that Matty and I were real assholes. Well whatever.
     This was supposed to be a post about a different high school prank that I pulled, but it seems to have turned into a rant about those douchebags at North Penn and their weak attempt to copy Matty and I in our pranking exploits. I’m pretty satisfied with that, I’ll save that other story for a later time. Stay tuned because it will knock you socks off. In conclusion, North Penn sucks.

Who knew utensils could be so much fun?

Listen: Pac, “Ambitionz Az A Ridah”

Quote: “When you come to a fork in the road, take it” – Yogi Berra.

People Do The Darndest Things

From a tort case:
 
In Jensen v. Schooleys Mountain Inn…the defendant bar served alcoholic beverages to Jensen while he allegedly was visibly intoxicated.  After leaving the bar, Jensen drove eight miles, where he “parked his car and, for some unknown reason, began climbing a tree.”  The branches of the tree apparently could not support Jensen’s weight and one broke, causing Jensen to fall twenty feet to the river bank.  Jensen either fell or rolled into the river and drowned.
 
His estate tried to sue the bar for liability for negligently and wrongfully serving the decedent. Thankfully, they lost.

Arrested Development Movie Progress

With the recent announcement of the beginning of the end of the WGA Strike, it’ll be interesting to see whether show creator Mitch Hurwitz and the rest of the Arrested Development crew will come through with a movie that has been rumored since the show was canceled after the third season in February 2006.

In an interview on February 2, Jason Bateman confirmed that there were talks of an Arrested Development movie, between Hurwitz, Ron Howard, and Jeffrey Tambor.

Click here for the full article.

Reminiscences of My Childhood – Part Matt

While perusing through some of the rants on this weblog, some of you may have been wondering – what the heck is wrong with the guys that write for this blog. One place you may have started to look is our History page, but there you only found answers to the history of Ranty McRanterson, and two stupid videos that say little [or, maybe a lot] about who we are.

This post will give you a glimpse into the childhood of just 1/2 of Ranty, but I hope that it provides some answers for you in your search for meaning and ‘Why, God, why?’

Haircut at a Young Age – The Modified Bowl Cut

I couldn’t link to a real picture of me, Lego’s shall suffice

In middle school, I, like many others at that time, conformed to the growing popular hair style – the bowl cut. I vividly remember walking into the local barbershop, and proclaiming:

“Make me look like Leonardo DiCaprio.”

My hair happens to be very thin, so I was unable to achieve the full, tousled look of most bowl cuts, so I simply parted my hair in the middle — and thought I was ‘it.’ I couldn’t wait to go to the next middle school dance, sporting the ‘wet’ look, a silver chain necklace, and a Guess shirt that showed off my tight body. Looking back, I couldn’t have been more wrong about the totality of those circumstances.

I was so close

Well, I did kind of was right about the Leonardo DiCaprio thing – in the prepubescent-bodied, smug-faced, wet-look-gelled-hair kind of way – but aside from that, I was way off.

Room Decor Until an Embarrassingly Old Age – The Care Bears Lamp

I Love Lamp.

Yeah, I had a Care Bears lamp in my room until middle school, at which point I finally realized that I was too old for such childish things. It was just a lamp, it provided ample light and a warm glow to read Goosebumps books, it was a good lamp.

I was sad to see it go. I just put it in my brother’s room, where it currently adorns his nightstand. He’s going to kill me for putting this up here, but he likes it more than I did, and he’s 19. He also has an unhealthy obsession with A.C. Slater. Unlike his Facebook wall, he can’t censor this blog. Ha ha, sucker.

Sound Investments at a Young Age – Trading Money with my Brother

He he…I win.

This one isn’t embarrassing at all - when my brother and I were just old enough to have our very own disposable income [allowance], I used to trade him shiny pennies for those big, dull quarters. Pennies were easier to swallow, and they were shiny, who wouldn’t want them more than a big dumb quarter? Apparently I’ve been effectively honing my persuasive voice since a very young age.

Traffic Lights Are Not Controlled by my Dad

These lights actually are controlled by garage door openers

I still can’t believe I fell for this one. No matter how dumb I’ve made my brother seem up until this point, this one takes the cake for me being the idiot of the family. On trips over to my grandparents in Harleysville, we would always sit at the intersection of 113 and Cowpath Road. We’d stop and wait for the light to turn Green, and my dad, without fail, would get out the garage door opener and tell me that he was going to change the light by pressing the button.

I had a déjà vu experience sitting at that very light in high school, and man, did I feel special.

New Jersey Made a Funny!

The New Jersey General Assembly passed a resolution in recognition of the New York Giants winning Super Bowl XLII. The resolution included a few pokes o’ fun, New Jersey style!

Tackle Kareem McKenzie, a New Jersey native, was in attendance to represent the Giants. “We appreciate your efforts on behalf of the New Jersey Giants,” Assembly Minority Leader Alex DeCroce exclaimed, with a look of extreme satisfaction on his face that is annoying to other people who are less happy [that's a definition].

Assemblyman Anthony Chiappone weighed in on the issue. “One day I hope to be standing here issuing a proclamation to the New Jersey Giants.”

As I was writing this post, Larry [my computer] decided to weigh in on the issue.

[Click to play audio]

Oh Larry, always patronizing.

Here’s a link to the full article from ESPN.com.

The General Assembly also sponsored a parade in honor of the Giants. Due to lack of funds, the parade was not advertised, and the procession consisted of the General Assembly walking around the block following this clown.

Mr. Gigglesworth, the Clown

“We’ll certainly allot more funds to the ‘Tickertape Parade’ budget for next season, we need to get competitive with New York if we ever want the Giants to feel at home here,” lamented Chiappone.  “Mr. Gigglesworth was a hit at my son’s birthday party, but I think it may have been a mistake bringing him here.”

The last time the state of New Jersey had anything to celebrate was…well…

Never.

Ship Political Science Class Elects John McCain; Harrison Ford Receives Vote

A Shippensburg University US Government and Politics class conducted a mock election today. According to Professor Smith, here is the breakdown of the votes.

John McCain – 17 votes

Barack Obama – 9 votes

Hillary Clinton – 2 votes

Harrison Ford – 1 vote

The votes were conducted by writing the name of a candidate on the top of the index card, along with the primary reason for selecting that candidate.

“I was shocked to see Harrison Ford received a vote,” explained Professor Smith. “It really shows how out of touch some of America’s youth are with the US political climate.”

The comment accompanying the Harrison Ford vote provided a detailed explanation of how well he handled the Air Force One hijacking, and also commented on his work in Patriot Games. “I didn’t even see it, but just acting in it makes him more of an American than all of us.”

Libraries are for Studying

This Sign – Please Observe 

One of the most shocking things about law school thus far is the lax attitude several law students adopt while spending their time in the law library. There are designated areas for speaking; please, please, please stop. When I go to the library, I barely even breathe. If I wanted to talk, my face wouldn’t be buried in my Property book. I would be sitting in the lounge, where, shockingly, talking is encouraged!

No, I don’t give a damn what you did this weekend.

I’m here to use the silence that I can’t get at my apartment because of the crazy guy that lives below me.

I’m here to use the temperature controlled environment that doesn’t smell like urine like the public library.

I’m here to study without having to listen to middle/high/undergraduate/law school girls talk about their crushes and the steaming of milk for your crappy latte at a Starbucks.

I’m here because I have an hour until class and I NEED TO GET THIS READING DONE OR I’M GOING TO GET CALLED ON AND EMBARRASSED WHEN I CAN’T ANSWER; THE PROFESSOR WILL NOT UNDERSTAND THAT I COULDN’T FINISH BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY HATING YOU.

This is one asshole move that you will not catch me pulling in the near future.

Seriously though, just do your work.

Dr. Dylan Walsh – Apes to Plastic Surgery

Dr. Dylan Walsh in Congo

Now I know why I love Nip/Tuck so much. Dylan Walsh, who plays Dr. Sean McNamara in FX’s Nip/Tuck, was cast as Dr. Peter Elliot in the modern marvel of American cinema, Congo (1995).

This also happened to be my favorite movie from my childhood, so it only makes sense that my young adulthood would be heavily influenced by Nip/Tuck.

Dr. Dylan Walsh in Nip/Tuck

It’s amazing how Hollywood develops an actor’s skills. Dylan Walsh plays a doctor in both of his major roles, and over the course of a little less than 10 years, Dr. Walsh went from studying ape culture (and their insatiable thirst for diamonds) in the Congo region of Africa to becoming one of the most prominent plastic surgeons in the Miami and Los Angeles areas.

To celebrate the 10th anniversary of Congo, Dr. Walsh persuaded the writers of Nip/Tuck to showcase both of his talents, by performing plastic surgery on an ape. One of Walsh’s close friends in Hollywood, whom he met on the set of Congo where she was an extra, is Kiki the Gorilla. She acts as herself in the episode from Season 3 (Episode 2, Kiki), and needs plastic surgery done to remove a scar from her face, so her online-gorilla-lover will mate with her when they finally meet for the first time in gorilla.

I’ll save you the trouble – McNamara/Troy does the surgery, but when Kiki and the male gorilla meet, the male gorilla notices something is different and kills her.

Webcams don’t lie.