I have a lot of interesting and funny stories from high school. Some of these you will never hear. But some you will. This is one of the latter. The next few posts from me will probably just be amusing stories. It’s been a while since I’ve noticed something worth actually RANTING about. Perhaps I’m becoming more mellow in my old age. I doubt it though, I just haven’t really felt like putting myself into a rage lately. However, if I hear Tim Tebow’s name mentioned one more time I might actually kill someone. Just seeing it in type brings me close to a murderous rage, so perhaps an actual rant is on the way. Not right now though. Sit back and enjoy this story.
Actually, I can start off with a semi-rant. I was watching MTV’s High School Stories (I honestly didn’t see the show before posting my first High School Stories rant, so I’m going to claim credit for the name and say that they stole it from me. Bastards.) and they had a story about North Penn High School. North Penn is one school district over and some tools there got on MTV by pulling a prank in which they forked the lawn of their high school. For those of you that don’t know, forking is when you purchase vast quantities of plastic forks and put them spokes down into the ground. If you get enough people and enough forks, this can be accomplished very quickly and it’s kind of a pain in the ass to take all the forks out for whoever has to do it. It made me angry because this is a prank that Matty and I are very well versed in. We’ve done it multiple times with varying levels of success and have never gotten on MTV for it.
This fact pisses me off on various fronts. The first is that these morons only got on MTV because they acted like idiots and got caught. Matty and I are still at large. It’s not because we were any less bold than these toolboxes, it’s because we have the stealth of mountain cats. One time we did it to the front lawn of our own high school (SOUDERTON, WHAT!). For those that don’t know, our high school’s front lawn is in a very conspicuous area, a main road goes right by it (literally five feet from where we were). We managed to blitzkrieg the crap out of it and put about 1,500 forks in the lawn in about three minutes. That’s how its done kids. We’re pros.
Another time, we found it necessary to evade police. We rolled into the development of our victim at about midnight and noticed that we were being tailed by a cop. Due to some quick thinking on our part, we decided to keep driving to the house of a girl that we knew in the same development. As we got out of the car, the cop accosted us and asked us what we were doing. We told him we were visiting a friend and he explained to us that there had been some eggings in the area and he thought we looked suspicious. He then let us go, but looked in the backseat of Matty’s car on the way back to his cruiser. Apparently, he thought nothing of the thousands of forks we had in the backseat. Now the problem was what the hell we were supposed to do. The cop was still sitting in his car. The house we were standing in front of was completely dark. It’s a school night and if we knock on the door at midnight this girls parents are probably going to kill us. If we just drive away, the cop is going to wonder what the hell we’re doing. Basically we’re screwed. At that exact time, the girl’s father comes out with the garbage. We talk to him and explain the situation and we know him pretty well so he’s cool with it. Meanwhile the cop leaves, so we decided to call it a night. You think this story’s over but it’s ready to begin. We leave the development and turn onto the road. I look behind us and see a car and I was pretty sure that it was the same cop car that had just stopped us. Matty takes a turn onto a side road and I continue to look out the back window. I see the cop car go past the intersection we just left and then slam on his brakes. So, for the second time of the night, we’re screwed. Matty, however has an epiphany. He pulls into his grandparents driveway, which happened to be twelve feet from where we were, and turns the lights off. Ten seconds later, the cop blows by the driveway, obviously trying to catch up with us. Totally didn’t even see us. Matty pulls out of the driveway and burns the other way. Simply amazing. I’ve never been more proud of Landis in my life.
So now, I’ve provided evidence that we are way sneakier than those fools from North Penn that got caught. I will also prove that our technique is far superior. Forking a lawn is nice and its a pain in the ass to take the forks for the victim, but we didn’t feel that that was humiliating enough. As an added twist, we started putting Vaseline on the forks after putting them in the ground. This serves two functions. First, it makes it much harder to take the forks out of the ground. Second, after taking the forks out of the ground, your hands are covered with Vaseline. In order to get back into your house to wash your hands, you have to touch the doorknob and BOOM, now your doorknob has Vaseline on it. SUCKER. Wow, looking back at this I realize that Matty and I were real assholes. Well whatever.
This was supposed to be a post about a different high school prank that I pulled, but it seems to have turned into a rant about those douchebags at North Penn and their weak attempt to copy Matty and I in our pranking exploits. I’m pretty satisfied with that, I’ll save that other story for a later time. Stay tuned because it will knock you socks off. In conclusion, North Penn sucks.
Who knew utensils could be so much fun?—
Listen: Pac, “Ambitionz Az A Ridah”
Quote: “When you come to a fork in the road, take it” – Yogi Berra.
Pete
Clint