Hero of the Month – May 2009

This Month’s Hero: The Blade Trilogy

That is one baaaaaaad man.

     Well, I’ve been storing up some Heroes for a while and rather than waiting for the next month, I’m going to pleasure you by going back in time and posting Heroes from past months. Unorthodox I know, but that’s just who I am this week. As soon as this has sat for a while (read: gets pushed off the front page) I’ll move it to it’s proper month. If I can figure out how to change the date of posting. Anyway, Enjoy!

[Author's Note: It would be criminal not to mention that this post was partly inspired by my new best friend cocoxcae. Find that post here.]

     I was watching The Office on TBS and I saw a commercial for a show called The Vampire Diaries on the CW. First of all, the CW blows. I could go into it, but that is an issue for another post. The real issue is this new (by now not so new) vampire craze. I love vampires as much as the next guy, but these new shows/movies don’t seem to quite get it. Vampires are supposed to be badass. They’re not supposed to whine about their feelings all the time, they’re supposed to slay humans and fight against other kinds of monsters. Vampires don’t have diaries, they’re freaking monsters! Uhhh. Okay. The biggest threat to the vampire reputation is Twilight. Here is an excerpt from the plot summary of Twilight on IMDb:

To Edward, Bella is that thing he has waited 90 years for – a soul mate. But the closer they get, the more Edward must struggle to resist the primal pull of her scent, which could send him into an uncontrollable frenzy.

You have got to be kidding me. That’s really what I wanted. A vampire chick flick. Maybe next we can have a vampire edition of Cheaper by the Dozen. If Steve Martin actually dies, I’m all for it. One of the taglines for Twilight is “When you can live forever, what do you live for?” Uhh, revenge is the obvious answer, but I’m pretty sure that is not what they had in mind. Now some quotes:

#1. Edward Cullen: “I hate you for making me want you so much.”

#2. Isabella Swan: “Do you do this a lot?”
Edward Cullen: “Just the past couple of months. I like watching you sleep. I find it fascinating.”

#3. Edward Cullen: “Your scent, it’s like a drug to me. You’re like my own personal brand of heroin.”

#4. Edward Cullen: “That’s what you dream about? Being a monster?”
Isabella Swan: “I dream about being with you forever.”

Those were the four that I could bring myself to actually put on this site. The others were unworthy of reprinting.

Look, vampires are just like us! Just with better hair.

     The creators of the Blade trilogy understand what a vampire movie should be. When I see a vampire movie, I want non-stop action with very little plot or character development. The Blade movies deliver. Blade is a daywalker, half-vampire and half-human. He has all of the vampire’s strengths and none of their weaknesses, except his need for blood. He fights on the side of the humans, slaying various vampire threats. For three movies (Blade, Blade II and Blade: Trinity) Blade kicks ass and takes names. Sometimes he even neglects to take names. Blade is played by Wesley Snipes who, as everyone knows, is the baddest man on the face of the planet. Plus his co-stars in the movies are also at the tip-top in the badness category. Kris Kristofferson, Stephen Dorff, Ron Perlman, Dominic Purcell and Triple H. Also Ryan Reynolds, who is a dreamboat in addition to being a hard-nosed mofo. So how about some quotes from the Blade movies? I’ll only include some of my favorites, but the movies are filled with crazy badass quotes [from the various IMDb pages]:

#1. Blade: “You give Frost a message from me. You tell him it’s open season on all suckheads.”

#2. Dr. Karen Jenson: “Oh, great. Now you’re robbing him. You gonna rob me, too?”
Blade: “How do you think that we fund this organization, huh? We’re not exactly the March of Dimes.”

#3. Blade: “There are worse things out tonight than vampires.”
Dr. Karen Jenson: “Like what?”
Blade: “Like me.”

#4. Blade: [after being shot by hospital security] “Mother fucker! Are you out of your damn mind?”

#5. Eli Damaskinos: “Who do you think God really favors in the web? The spider, or the fly?”

#6. Blade: [pulling the pin out of a UV grenade] “You obviously do not know who you are fucking with!”

#7. Hannibal King: “Her name is Danica Talos. You met her earlier. And unlike typical vampires, her fangs are located in her vagina.”
[uncomfortable pause]
Hannibal King: “Moving on…”

#8. Blade: “Now, what’s behind Door Number One?”
Chief Martin Vreede: “I can’t tell you. They-they’ll kill me.”
Blade: “Kill you? Motherfucker, I’ll kill you! I’ll just enjoy it better.”

#9. Hannibal King: “She’s making playlists. She likes to listen to MP3s when she hunts. It’s like her own internal soundtrack, you know? Dark core, trip-hop, whatever kids are listening to these days. Me, I’m more of a David Hasselhof fan, you know?”

#10. Danica Talos: “Tell us about Blade, King. What’s this weapon he’s been planning?”
Hannibal King: “I can tell you two things. One, your hairdo is ridiculous. Two, I ate a lot of garlic, and I just farted. Silent but deadly.”

#11. Hannibal King: “We call ourselves the Nightstalkers.”
Blade: Hmm. “Sounds like rejects from a Saturday morning cartoon.”
Hannibal King: “Well, we were gonna go with the Care Bears, but, uh, that was taken.”

#12. Dracula: “Kill one man, you’re a murderer, kill a million, a king. Kill them all, a God.”

#13. Dr. Edgar Vance: “Do you know what day it is?”
[Blade declines to answer]
Dr. Edgar Vance: “How ’bout the president? You know who that is. Who’s in the White House, right now?”
Blade: “An asshole.”

Thirteen of the most badass quotes known to man. Hannibal King is the character played by Ryan Reynolds, so just imagine him saying those things. It adds a lot. I guess what I’m trying to say is that vampires are violent, blood-thirsty abominations to humanity and should be portrayed as such. If you see a vampire, don’t try to fall in love with it. Either kill it or run like hell.

Total dreamboat.

—

Listen: Muse, “Map of Your Head”
Quote: “Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.” – Blade