It was recently pointed out to me by my temporary roomate Shanknasty that these latest posts lack the ranting chops that our readers have come to expect. I don’t really have much of an answer to that. Maybe I’m mellowing out in my old age. Probably not. I think it’s more of an issue that I don’t really go out that often, so I rarely encounter things that enrage me. Sad I know. When I get a real job I’m sure that the rage will be back. Anyway, I figured for this post I’d start off with a story that ends in a rant (hence the Story McRanterson subtitle).
This weekend I took the plunge. I got a new phone. My previous phone had a broken screen for more than two years, and I figured I was well overdue for an upgrade. There is a moderately funny story behind how the screen got broken. I was out having a couple beers with my co-workers about 45 minutes away from my house. After leaving, I realized that I had to take a piss. I held it as long as I could, but it reached a point where I could no longer wait without making a mess of myself. I pulled into and alley, got out and let loose. After that, I drove home, hung out for a little and went to bed. The next day I couldn’t find my cell phone. I was wondering what had happened to it and then it struck me. My phone was sitting on my lap when I got out to whiz. I drove back to the alley and, sure enough, there was my phone lying face down on the pavement. Unfortunately, it had tire tracks on the back. Since the alley is not well used, I’m pretty sure that I am the one who ran over my phone. Embarrassing.
Either way, the screen was cracked and only showed a cool purple design of shattered LCD. I had had the phone long enough that I reached the point where I could access my contact list and type in a name to call a person without having to actually see the screen. So, I limped along for two years like this. If people called me and I missed the call, I didn’t know they had called unless they left a message. If my phone rang and I was worried about avoiding someone, I couldn’t tell who was calling. I would just wait to see if they left a message. Text messages were out. Some of my friends (Pete) delighted in texting me, knowing that I would hear the sound and fly off into a rage because someone was leaving me a text message. I hate him for this. Anyhow, it was beyond time to get another phone.
My previous phone was a Nokia as were the three phones before it. I kept going with Nokia because I liked their phones and because all their chargers are the same. I have about six phone chargers placed strategically throughout important places in my life so that if I forget a charger, one is close at hand. You must admit that this is a brilliant strategy. I’ve never had to worry about leaving a cell phone charger in a hotel room. Who cares, I have five more sucker! Also, Nokias are tough phones. I am very hard on my possessions. Cell phones do not usually last long with me. I can’t have a flip or slide phone, they would be destroyed in a matter of seconds. I find the Nokia Brick Phone® to be the best choice for me. Plus, this recent one survived being run over by a car so I thought, let’s get that one again. I looked for it on the interwebs and saw that it was no longer available. Disappointing. However, they did have a phone that appeared to be the next generation of the phone I had so I decided to go for it.
The phones I went through during the last finals week.
Bad move. First off, it is not nearly as destruction proof as the last one. I’m pretty sure if I sat on it, it would break. I know I’ve put on some weight, but that’s still ridiculous. I require a phone that can sustain at least 100,000 Ns of impulse. (For those of you unfamiliar with physics, that is the resultant impulse for a 100 kg object travelling 100 m/s coming to a halt in 0.1 s.) Also, they changed the damn charger. It is exactly the same shape but the hole it fits into is smaller, rendering all of my previous chargers useless. How dare you Nokia. Our relationship was based on reliability and consistency. You have pimp slapped my genius plan and left me with one pitiful cellular device charger. I will be Goddamned before I buy another charger. If I lose this charger I will burn Utica to the ground. I know you want to go for innovation, sleekness and all that shit, but changing your base model that much is unforgivable. Riddle me this, what the Hell am I supposed to do with all these useless chargers?! I’ll probably just use them to hang myself. That’ll show that faceless corporation.
My next phone.
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Listen: Jadakiss, “Welcome to D-Block”
Quote: “You’re talking about your phone, it’s more like Story McStoryson.” – Shanknasty
P.S. If you have my number, chances are I don’t have it anymore so text it to me.
Pete
Clint