After a long hiatus, I find it necessary to bring back a Ranty Classic. Conspiracy Theories. I have been silenced by various forces in the government who find my views unpleasant, but by a clever manipulation of one letter of my last name I found a way to elude them. SUCKERS!
Matt Damon Clones
If you watched The Office last Thursday, you most surely noted that one of the interns bore a striking resemblance to Matt Damon. What relevance does this have to anything you may be asking. Well it’s quite obvious. The government is cloning Matt Damon. What reason could they possibly have for this? The answer is simple: To create a race of superior poker players. Any of you that have seen Rounders knows that the Matt Damon gene contains not only superior acting capabilites but the ability to bust down Teddy KGB at will. After the recent financial crisis, the government was obviously looking for ways to make money. What better way than with legalized gambling? These Matt Damon clones have their bankrolls financed by the CIA and work as “Kites.” If anyone finds their identity, they are cut loose and disavowed. All their earnings go directly to the government to fund things that they do not want us to know about. Through extensive research I found out what some of these projects are. One is to figure out a way to put ketchup and mustard in the same bottle, thus saving Americans literally seconds of time in bottle switching mayhem. Another is screen doors for submarines. Yes, this was originally a Polish idea but the goverment has seen some merit to the project. Those nuclear reactors aren’t going to cool themselves. Anyway, something went horribly wrong with the cloning and one of the noobs got more acting talent than he was supposed to. After being disavowed, he obviously tried to make it as an actor and stumbled onto The Office. Because of Damon’s work on the Bourne Trilogy, he can blend in to any situation. The government apparently overlooked this and I predict more of the clones going rouge. Count on various university janitors solving complex mathematical problems, or men having all of their brothers killed in WWII and having Tom Hanks fish them out of the mess.
Clearly a clone.
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Listen: Third Eye Blind, “Non Dairy Creamer”
Quote: “Not victory, Obi-Wan. The shroud of the Dark Side has fallen. Begun, this Clone War has.” – Yoda
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Tickets from Abroad
The next conspiracy comes from a friend who shall remain nameless to protect her identity. Although I managed to get this post out, it is only a matter of time until the gummyment finds me again and I would not want my crimes taken out on her. Said nameless person’s parents visited Italy and rented a car with GPS there. This GPS was supposed to tell them where they could drive and park legally while in Italy. Unfortunately, a year later they began to receive tickets in the mail for various parking violations while in Italy. Obviously this is some sort of conspiracy between the GPS companies and world governments. The GPS companies get a certain cut of the tickets while hapless Americans pay tickets that they can no longer remember. Absolutely brilliant. Apparently the statute of limitations on parking tickets knows no bounds in other countries. My advice: If you get a ticket for a parking ticket in another country, don’t pay it. Chances are we don’t have extradition with the country, so they can’t touch you. If you have to go to said country again, use an alias. Airports are pretty cool with that nowadays.
This could be from Italy, who knows?
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Listen: The Used, “Lunacy Fringe”
Quote: “There are big signs, you can’t park there! They should get towed! I hope they get towed to Queens, and the Triborough is closed, and there’s a big craft show at Shea, a flea market, or a tractor show!” – President Josiah Bartlet
Pete
Clint