Help Us Dave Chappelle, You’re Our Only Hope

It has now been five years since Dave Chappelle left the entertainment world to go chill out on his Ohio farm.  At first, his absence from Comedy Central simply meant a lot of unsuccessful sketch shows in his former time slot.  Now, the lack of Chappelle in the social commentary is hurting out country.  No other black comedian since has had a similar television show, and those that do (Tyler Perry) aren’t funny and show white America the “Family Matters” side of black America.  Chappelle made us all laugh at the blatant racism and bigotry that still exists in our country despite all the talk of equality and a “post-racial” society.  Whether it be the Gay KKK, Friday Night Sissy Fights, Real Real World, The World is Not Meant for Us, or any other sketch, Chappelle was not only making us laugh but also making us think just a little bit.

Alright, I’m not going to go into some diatribe about the socio-economic importance of black comic commentary in America, although I could, but that wouldn’t be in line with the Ranty McRanterson policy on seriousness (none is allowed).  So, Mr. Chappelle, if you’re listening…PLEASE COME BACK.  Here is a list of possible sketches I thought of for you.  You don’t have to pay me for them, just come back.  If you don’t, the possibility exists that Demetri Martin or Carlos Mencia would get a show again.  Do you really want that on your conscience Dave?  Do you?

Okay…so with a black President who white Americans are scared of, I would imagine sketch ideas are pretty easy to come by.  Here are a few that I came up with:

1. White Obama…kind of like “Black Bush” but, ya know, different.  Obama proposes healthcare and people are like, “Hey that’s not such a bad idea.”  or FoxNews says, “Our President helped inner city Chicagoans, how noble.” or most Americans believe that White Obama is actually an American, actually a Baptist and actually a capitalist.

2.  Michelle Obama becomes the next Billy Blanks.  People were totally cool with a jacked black man wearing tights telling them to get off their asses and sweat.  Michelle Obama, dressed in her evening gowns telling American parents their kids are obese and are at high risk for diabetes, high blood pressure and death, doesn’t go over so well.  She puts on tights and starts her own DVD series called, “First Lady Fitness”.  Most copies bought by white males who want to see Michelle Obama in tights.  America remains fat.

3.  Something about Michael Steele.  He’s black and he was head of the Republican National Committee.  You’re the comic Dave, but the words “Uncle Tom” would need to be in there.  I know that’s harsh, but the man actually believes that tax cuts for billionaires helps poor and middle class black males get jobs.

4.  A sketch where they discover huge oil fields in Cameroon, Zambia, Gabon, Angola, Botswana and Namibia.  For the first time, the United States acknowledges that “Africa” is not a country, but a continent and that there are, indeed, 61 distinct territories within its borders. (that’s for you Tunde)

5.  Tiger Woods as the Ryan Leaf of the Racial Draft.  Sorry Black delegation, but  you might be able to get Blake Griffin or Derek Jeter next time.  Wu-Tang, on the other hand, has taken Asians to new heights with the influx of C.R.E.A.M.  Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice continue to be heroes to the whites.

6.  Turns out that Obama knew all along that Osama bin Laden was in Pakistan.  He has continued the war in Afghanistan to find out who really killed Biggie and Tupac.  Finding that this is the real reason for being in Afghanistan, for the first time in history, 100% of eligible black voters actually vote in the 2012 election.

So Dave, here are six of my ideas.  Sure, they need some work, but I’m sure you could take them and make them hilarious.  Either way, we need you back man.  People keep saying we have entered a “post-racial society” and we all know that’s just not true.  Help us Dave Chappelle, you’re our only hope.

P.S.  If I wasn’t clear above.  Tyler Perry is NOT funny.