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Archive for July, 2006

Chooooooooo Choooooooo.
All aboard the already-been-done train.
Clint seems to have missed his stop on the razor blade proliferation railway…In other news, Will climbs up the totem pole of assholes and now sits two rungs below Matt, who trails Satan himself by only 3 rungs.

Listen: Copeland, “Don’t Slow Down”

Quote: “Matt Landis always had the biggest syringe collection in the peloton…shit, the only reason he did the River to River ride was to get more syringes out of the Delaware” – Jan Ullrich on the topic of Matt Landis’ positive A Sample

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     Has anyone noticed how the number of blades on manual ‘shaving systems’ is continually rising? I think it’s a sign of the increasing decadence of our society. This is the same thing that happened to the Romans before their civilization crumbled. Let’s keep it sane, okay consumers? Anyway, back to my main point. It started with the straight razor, invented in 1492 by Christopher Columbus who thought it would be good to be clean-shaven when he got to India. Then we had two bladed razors, invented at some point in time by some person in time. Then we had the Mach III by Gillette. When this came out, I thought “Okay. Now we’ve got three blades. We’re in good shape.” Then, shockingly, the Schick Quattro. I think humanity in general was taken aback. “Four blades!?!” people could be heard exclaiming in the streets, “What’s next, trucks with extended cabs?” (I hope someone is working on this by the way, trucks need as many doors as possible.) The critics said it would never work, calling the extra blade ‘superfluous.’

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Semi-pro cyclist Matthew L*ndis at a gala event in Carlisle.

This was taken from an Associated Press Article posted today at 10:15am EST.

SOUDERTON, Pennsylvania (AP)

Rising cycling star Matthew L*ndis has tested positive for “unbelievably high” levels of testosterone after the mile 17 rest stop in Saturday’s annual River to River Ride in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. A statement issued by PedalPA in conjunction with the UCI announced that upon examination of the cyclist and his water bottle, it was obvious that L*ndis’ testosterone levels were not only high, but the ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone were out of this world.

A spokesperson for the UCI added, “We’re pretty sure that everything that could be wrong with the testosterone levels was wrong. The levels were high, low, the ratio was too close and too far away at the same time, therefore he must be taking a substance banned by the UCI.”

L*ndis’ historic performance during the River to River ride alone was enough to raise suspicions. He hadn’t even touched his bike since late March, and managed to complete the ride in record time. An eyewitness who was at the finish line when Landis completed the ride said, “I think he said ‘I am all that is man’ and then did a couple fistpumps, and then a couple more, which I thought was going a little overboard. My immediate reaction was, ‘What an asshole.’ Then he pushed over an old woman who was trying to cross the street, which confirmed my initial assertion.”

Upon confirmation of a “B” sample, L*ndis will be forced into exile from his residence in Souderton, Pennsylvania.

L*ndis remains adamant about his innocence. “I have never used any banned substances. Anyone that knows me, knows that my levels of testosterone far supercede most males on this earth.”

Fans cheer L*ndis on during the ride

“It’s true,” said friend and co-worker Clint Gill. “The guy has a libido of a rabbit hyped up on Viagra. And last time I checked, that’s a certain indicator of anything that could be interpreted as ‘wrong’ with testosterone levels.”

Gill added, “He’s always the first one out in our Seinfeld-esque contests to be the ‘master of your domains.'” [For those unfamiliar with the 1992 episode of Seinfeld, The Contest, refer to this website for a brief description.]

In L*ndis’ career, he has never tested positive for any illegal substance.

Jeff Musselman, L*ndis’ agent, answered many questions in a press conference early this morning. “Matt has never used any illegal substances, he’s actually kind of embarassed that this news has come to light in this way. Believe me, he doesn’t need to add any more testosterone. Don’t tell him I told you this, but he often ‘pitches tents’ if you know what I’m saying, at inappropriate times as a result of his testosterone ‘problem.’ He has undergone counseling on the subject, and has been repeatedly told that he “won’t be sad about it in about 40 years,” when most men will be wishing they had that extra man juice.”

L*ndis is currently believed to be somewhere within the vicinity of Snyder County, Pennsylvania, or in hiding in Washington DC.

Listen: The Jackson Five, “I Want You Back”

Quote: “I’m a man, boy. I’m macho. I ain’t no bicurious. If I was that, why would my muscles be all big, and wearing this spandex” – Meatwad

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     “You’re so money and you don’t even know it.” If you went to the University of Maryland, chances are you’ve seen that quote on a sorority T-Shirt. They were all over the place last semester. It’s really a great quote. However, the shirts did not say who said it (It was Vince Vaughn’s character Trent in Swingers). Now to me, that seems like a blatant act of plagiarism. Plagiarize: To steal and use (the ideas or writings of another) as one’s own. It’s not really so bad, because most people know where that quote came from. However, they should have at least stated who uttered it.

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I only know three people named Dirk, other than myself. They are:

Dirk Johnson – punter for the Philadelphia Eagles
Dirk Nowitzki – ugly-as-sin basketball player of some kind
Dirk Kempthorne – handsome and dignified Secretary of the Interior and former Governor of Idaho (whose middle name, I might add, is ALSO Arthur)

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Samson: The Sequel

     For those of you that don’t know, for most of every year I have a ton of hair. This includes sideburns and a goatee in addition to the hair atop my head. It really pisses me off when people make comments about my appearance. They like to comment on how long my ‘hair’ is. First of all, its not hair, its a mane. Yeah, that’s right, like a lion. But it’s no regular mane. It’s The Mane of Infinite Justice. When utilized with The Sideburns of Indomitable Spirit and The Goatee of Righteousness it makes me the most powerful human on the face of the planet.

A relaxing day at the office.

     During the day, I am mild mannered Clint Gilo. By night I go by my alter ego: The Lion. With my superpowers, I fight the forces of injustice in a three-block radius. It’s true. I have this neighborhood on lockdown. Nothing goes down without me knowing. Last week some teenagers were out past curfew on Summit Street. Yeah, I took care of that.

     Mostly I use my powers for good. However, like any superhero, the temptation to use my powers to harm is sometimes hard to resist. So take some advice: Shut the fuck up about my hair.

Listen: Fall Out Boy, “I’ve Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song)”
Quote I: “Get that freakin’ kid out of my yard.” – My across the street neighbor referring to a certain someone who passed out against a tree in his backyard.
Quote II: “Take me back to my fucking tree!” – Andrew Storer

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Duck Hunt, etc.


I am not a huge gamer, nor have I owned a “console” since nintendo. However, this must be the best page currently on the web

Listen: Matt Pond PA, “So Much Trouble”

Quote: “you bet your ass his mind is working on a rich tapestry of insults” – Clint, 2 posts ago describing Matt

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