Archive for July, 2006

Watch almost every Family Guy!!

Watch pretty much every South Park!!!

Listen: Angels and Airwaves, “Valkyrie Missile”

Quote: “The Sony PSP was built by God to determine who on Earth had the best skills to defeat the armies of Satan.” – Saint Peter

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One of the funniest clips I’ve seen of The Daily Show

Listen: Blur, “No Distance Left to Run”

Quote: “Brains and beauty, all in one place kicking package.” – Rich Eisen, speaking of Neil Rackers, Kicker for the Arizona Cardinals

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Ahh, the tomfoolery of the “worst hall in the history of Susquehanna University.” (That was from an administrator working on the Board of Judicial Affairs.)

A talented balloon artist, caption: “I’m so happy I’m giving head”

A freshman year favorite.

Listen: Oasis, “Part of the Queue”

Quote: “Yeah… that’s better. I can see myself marinating a chicken in that.” – George Michael Bluth

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Someone at school uppercutted me, but I didn’t skip a section of my textbook. It’s no wonder grad schools came knocking down my door at 2AM with multimillion dollar signing bonuses to attract my brilliant mind and chiseled abs. The school ran this in their yearly brochure, hence the official logo. With America’s BMI larger than its national debt, Applebees has some great new offerings for those large-boned, diet conscious, teddy rupskins out there.

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Duel of the fates

This has been bugging me all day – and when I describe what it is, you’ll truly comprehend the depths of my friendless loserdom.

At the end of Star Wars Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith, when Obi-Wan and Anakin are having their big showdown, they’re doing all kinds of superhuman things. They’re swinging from ropes, running up massive structures that are falling into a river of lava… and they’re evenly matched the entire time. Then all of a sudden Anakin ends up on a piece of debris in the lava flow and Obi-Wan jumps onto the shore. He’s all of two feet higher than Anakin, and he’s shaking his head and saying, “It’s over, Anakin. I have the high ground now.”

Were I Anakin, the Chosen One, the greatest of all living Jedi, I’d just use a little thing I like to call “the Force” and shove Obi-Wan back… or maybe just hop onto the shore a few yards downstream. But what does he do? He jumps straight at Obi-Wan and ends up getting most of his appendages slashed off. All because Obi-Wan commands this so-called “high ground.” Please. That’s like engaging in a shootout with someone, then stepping into the open and saying, “It’s over. I’ve got bullets now. You’re hopelessly outmatched.”

Am I alone in feeling that this was quite possibly the lamest climax to any climactic duel in the history of cinema?

Listen: The Hues Corporation, “Rock The Boat”

Quote: “I’ll take you to the bank… the blood bank.” – Steven Seagal

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Sound Advice

A sound piece of advice from my 2002 Unaliyi SAHS yearbook.


My good man, this was a good year. Wood and Italiano are the man and the wo-man. Do not abandon the sexist views I have tried to get across. Women – can’t live with ’em, pass the beer nuts. Make good use of your last year – be a rabble-rouser. Start some riots. Lynch some Communists. Remember to watch COLUMBO, and call upon me if ever you need someone to take care of the women folk.

– Dirk

Listen: Thom Yorke, “Black Swan”

Quote: “These are my awards, Mother. From Army. The seal is for marksmanship, and the gorilla is for sand racing.” – Buster Bluth

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Bubb Rubb, huh?
Listen: Brand New, “The Shower Scene”

Quote: “Do these effectively hide my thunder?” – Tobias F√ľnke

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Deli Meat Halflife

I love deli meat as much as the next guy. I eat it at lunch several times a week during the summer, but I’m very particular about the quality of the products I choose to ingest. I can’t eat deli meats that are more than a few days old, because they quickly lose their deliciousness, which, in terms of deli meat specifically, is determined in two ways: taste and texture.

Source: Matt

As you can see through this high-tech digital rendition of data transmitted directly from sensors in my tastebuds and brain, the quality in deliciousness significantly declines in general for deli meats. It should be noted that this test was done with turkey, which happens to be my favorite. Roast beef is even worse, with a halflife of only about a day or two out of the deli. I never get ham because it’s got a slimy sort of texture, right out of the package. I’m not a fan of that, as that is one of the factors that is detrimental to deliciousness.

What could we do to curb this problem and make deli meat more appealing for a longer amount of time? I propose that the meatpacking industry pump that stuff full of preservatives, and if they already use some, just use more. That’s what America is all about, fixing anything that is an inconvenience to any group that has enough power to initiate change in policy.

I’m sure that when Congressmen pack their lunches in the morning, and they bite into a sandwich that they are anticipating to be delicious, and it isn’t because of some three day old deli meat, they’ll agree with me wholeheartedly.

To the deli meat industry: your incompetence shall destroy us all!

Listen: The Jayhawks, “What Led Me to This Town”

Quote: “I have had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes on this motherfuckin’ plane!” – Samuel L. Jackson

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There’s nothing more embarassing than realizing you’ve been staring at a computer screen for twenty-seven minutes and you still can’t think of a single thing to say. Actually, no, there’s something worse: not being able to think of a single thing to say when you’ve just been told you can say anything you want. Toward the end, things got so bad that I started pondering what I’d like my catchphrase to be, if I had one. I thought that “BOOMshakalakalaka” would be pretty cool, but it’s rather unwieldy. Kind of goofy, too, come to think of it. It doesn’t really slip easily into everyday conversation. Take the following exchange:


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