Archive for November, 2006

Gary Horton is an Idiot

Gary Horton, resident genius from Scouts Inc., ranked Jeff Garcia as number 30 out of 32 top starting quarterbacks in the NFL. Here’s his reasoning:

“His stats were acceptable in loss at Indy — 19-for-23 with two TDs and no INT — but had only 140 total passing yards. There was virtually no vertical component or deep threat and most of his completions were to backs and TEs. This is now officially a West Coast offense.”

What a novel idea, he ranks him third to last because he enacted the gameplan to near perfection. A West Coast offense is characterized by short passes to backs and tight ends. Since when has Philadelphia not claimed to have elements of this style of offense?

Garcia didn’t make any attempts to throw down the field because that wasn’t part of the coaching strategy, and sure, it didn’t produce a win, but is that a judgment on Jeff Garcia’s abilities as a quarterback or the Philadelphia coaching staff?

I’m not saying that Jeff Garcia should even be in the top 16 quarterbacks in the league, but he certainly shouldn’t be ranked number 30.

Drew Brees is ranked 6, below Tony Romo at number 5. Drew Brees is having an excellent season, with several games over 500 yards passing and the past four games over 300 yards passing, not to mention it was never a certainty that he would ever be able to play in the NFL again after a season ending injury to his throwing shoulder in the playoffs last year.

I can understand Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and maybe Carson Palmer being ahead of Brees on this list, but come on, Tony Romo has only started 5 games this season.

Here’s a link to the full listing of rankings so you can laugh at Gary Horton’s idiocy.

Listen: Stroke 9, “Letters”

Quote: “You’re a little ho ho ho!” – Sean McNamara, to a midget elf that inquired about his “North Pole”

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     Because it’s been almost two weeks since the last thrill-packed episode, I’ve decided to toss in three (3) chapters of “The Last Bell” this time. I’ve received comments from literally ones and twos of people demanding that I post updates more regularly. Ashley and Josh, your prayers have been answered. Behold!

[Editor’s Note: Due to the fact that I am a complete jackass, this installment is extremely late. Dirq was counting on me to post this almost a month ago, but my slacker nature prevented such an event. My sincere apologies to Dirq and our vast readership. I hereby promise to amend my ways and get you these promptly.]

The Last Bell
By Dirq
Chapter IV – Mr. Rob Blankenship


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The Mummy Plays Football?

The mummy, left, with Drew Brees

Bruce Gradkowski on the sideline of Monday night’s game

Did Bruce Gradkowski, the quarterback from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, have a short stint in feature films?

You decide.

Listen: R.E.M., “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?”

Quote: “Oh look, a bighorn.” – Will Ferrell as Robert Goulet

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May 2006/Saint Bernard’s Parish/New Orleans, Louisiana

An article from The Daily Item, Sunbury Pennsylvania, on one of SU’s efforts to make the world a better place.

SU Students ‘Rock for Relief’

Listen: Bloc Party, “Uniform”

Quote: “I am a vegetarian because I don’t want to hurt any cute, defenseless little animals and because I heard that Justin Timberlake and Tom Cruise are both dedicated vegetarians.” – Matt, for his brother’s survey on vegetarianism for an English paper

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The only game that my Motorola Razr comes preloaded with is a demo version of Bejeweled 2. You can only play the first level, and sometimes that only lasts like one move.

In my vast experience with the game, spanning two cell phones and countless hours of play, I have never beaten the high score that I set on the first time I played the game on that respective phone. The first time, it was 620, and on my current phone, it’s now set at 650.

It’s seriously impossible to beat your high score without buying the game. It’s so frustrating, you’d think they wouldn’t torture you like that in the demo version of the game. But I don’t play into their hands, I will not cave and buy the full version, despite constantly trying to do the impossible in beating my high score.

By not buying the game, I maintain that I’m not as much of a loser for playing a cell phone game that much (ok, it’s not really that much, but I play enough to know I can’t beat my high score) and that I get really pissed at the game (but I guess that isn’t too far of a stretch of the imagination if you’ve ever seen or heard me play Madden or Halo, or now, Gears of War).

Listen: Dustin Kensrue, “Pistol”

Quote: “Matt’s a healthy bastard. Happy fucking birthday.” – Jennay, on my bag of rice cakes that I enjoyed while everyone else had cake.

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Speedy Rantz

New Jersey Sucks

I always have been the standard Pennsylvanian, constantly hating on New Jersey for no good reason. I still frequent their crappy beaches, there’s something about the boardwalk that keeps me coming back. Cheap hermit crabs that never die, deep fat-fried everything, the casinos. Ok, I haven’t really been to the casinos, I haven’t had a hermit crab in over ten years…wait, I haven’t even been to New Jersey since the summer…ok it still sucks.

Random Change

I think my new thing is going to be handing people random amounts of money to pay for things. For instance, at Dunkin’ Donuts the other day, my bill was 3.74, so I just handed them six dollars and 26 cents. They looked at me like I was a moron, and then I just shrugged and said, “Surprise me.”


Adding a ‘z’ to the end of everything they sell there makes me not want to shop there. I don’t want coffeez, subz (which should be hoagiez, but at least they don’t defame the correct term in this instance), bagelz, shakez, nachoz, drinkz, gasz, cigarettez, schmuffinz, sandwichez, etc.

I’m not sure if the actual z pisses me off more or if it’s the thought of the smug look that the asshole probably had on their face when they thought of it.

Also, when you make a veggie hoagie, that doesn’t mean put in fifteen pounds of lettuce. I like lettuce just as much as the next guy, but let’s be honest, I don’t want to consume a couple of heads of lettuce when I order a hoagie.

Wendt’s Pork Palace & Ice Cream Barn

“Honey, pull over right now, I’m craving bacon and an ice cream cone.”

Only in Selinsgrove could one maintain a business that says “Pork Palace” and “Ice Cream Barn” in the name. Also, I don’t know if I’d want my last name associated with that.

“Oh hey, that’s old man Wendt’s boy.”

“Oh, Wendt, like the Pork Palace Wendts?”

Pork and ice cream are just two things that don’t happen to naturally come together.

Listen: Foo Fighters, “Big Me”

Quote: “Harleysburgvilleton.” – Kristen

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I know the election stuff has been overdone all over the internet, and I wanted to post this before the election, but let’s be honest, I’m really really lazy.

In this video, former Representative Don Sherwood (R-PA) wins the award for the least heartfelt apology in the history of mankind, in response to the allegations that he tried to choke his mistress in a Maryland apartment.

When you watch this commercial, does “deep regret” come across at any point?

Listen: Motion City Soundtrack, “When You’re Around”

Quote: “Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?” – Wayne Brady

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I like to apply things we’re learning about in class to real-life scenarios: this week, I observed Sam Cassell’s fetus-like characteristics and realized it was a prime example of neoteny.

You’re a dirty fetus.

ne·ot·e·ny (n-tn-)


Retention of juvenile characteristics in the adults of a species, as among certain amphibians.
The attainment of sexual maturity by an organism still in its larval stage.

Listen: Brand New, “Degausser”

Quote: “Ohhh my goodness, that’s so disgusting…his head pops off, the body just stands there for two seconds and then lazily falls to the ground. You know why? There’s no brain to tell the body what to do anymore, because I blew it up with the sniper rifle.” – IGN editor while playing Gears of War

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Burger King and Xbox 360 team up to provide you with the game “Sneak King” which can be purchased for $3.99 with a Burker King value meal starting November 19th. “Use cunning stealth to sneak up behind unsuspecting people and bestow them with a delicious meal.”

Finally, all of my dreams of being The King (in some form) will come true!

Listen: Brand New, “Jesus Christ”

Quote: “…Oh my Science.” – United Atheists Alliance member on South Park

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