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Archive for January, 2008

     As my first comeback post, I decided to take it easy. No need to rush into anything willy-nilly and possibly pull a mental muscle. Therefore it will be another review.

DISCLAIMER: Paying homage to the Enduring Vision, I have decided to continue one of Josh’s regular features that I loved so much: Posting some Yahoo! Movie’s User Reviews. For some reason, you tend to see the most ridiculous ideas, spelling and punctuation on these forums. Anyway, I hope Josh doesn’t sue me. You see, I’m rebroadcasting with implied oral consent, not express written consent. Enjoy!

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lolcatporn

Although the hilarity of the LOLcat is well-documented, CNN set out to show that cats “can has” more than just “cheezburger[?]”

Watch the video here.

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Astrology and Politics

Election 2008

Today on Foxnews.com, there was a video with the founder of Astrologyzone.com, Susan Miller, making predictions for today’s South Carolina Democratic Primary.  I didn’t provide a convenient link to that site on purpose, I wouldn’t want one of you to accidentally click it and give them ad revenue.

“I’m worried about mechanical breakdowns with the equipment.”

Miller goes on to evaluate the different methods of voting and which is the most reliable – great, I’m sure your expertise on how accurate automated voting machines are compared to other systems is worth considering. Also, it’s not cliché to predict a technical problem with voting equipment.

“I think it’s going to be so close that somebody is going to ask for a recount.”

“I think Hillary has an advantage…but I’m splitting hairs here.”

Wrong about the winner, but, thankfully, astrology did provide a good indication of how close it was. It could’ve gone either way, really.

Results

Obama – 55%
Clinton – 27%
Edwards – 18%
(cnn.com)

28% differential – that’s pretty close – definitely close enough for a recount. In fact, Edwards should probably press for one.

“This one’s going to be really tight.”

…that’s what she said.

[Author’s Note]: I wish the little guy in the middle was green instead of purple. No worries, I’ll have Photoshop before that’s necessary.

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Whopper

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Vagabond

Ok, I’ve put a lot of thought into this Re: the new American Gladiators. What’s better than a cocky yet confident New York City Fireman, or a Youth Pastor with a heart of gold?

You guessed it: a hobo with a chip on his shoulder.

It would be perfect — the great American success story unfolding in front of the audience’s eyes, not to mention accented by Hulk Hogan and Tatiana Laila Ali’s expert (and completely candid) commentary. From rags to riches, an instant hero – who would have more to fight for than a man who travels the country by hitchhiking and jumping onto moving trains.

That lifestyle would certainly prepare you for the physical challenge of American Gladiators – and the $100,000 purse would lead our new homeless friend into a frenzy. What could he do with that kind of money – oh, the possibilities.

And if he won the whole thing, he could be the next American Gladiator.

Everyone knows that an essential component to being on American Gladiators is not only brawn, but the brains to come up with the perfect name.

Wolf – This guy is basically ripped out of The Jungle Book, he is Mowgli’s father – he howls and everything.

Justice – 6’8″ 290 lbs. tank – his name provides endless puns on delivering justice, serving justice, being judge, jury and executioner etc.

Hellga – self-explanatory

Crush – she’s pretty but will put a hurtin’ on you, much like Orange Crush (the soda) or Blue Crush (the movie/wave)

And now, I present you with Vagabond. Once he fought a mountain lion to protect the territory he’d marked with his very own urine, and he’s wrestled steer to the ground and killed them with his bare hands for food.

So writers and talent scouts – be on the lookout for this guy, he’s your ticket not only to ratings galore, but also to America’s heart.

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This is a new section I’ve been wanting to write about for quite some time – it’s just been weighing pretty heavily upon my conscience lately, so here it goes.

Anyone who knew or interacted with me during my freshman year at Susquehanna, they probably knew that I did not particularly get along well with my roommate at the time, let’s call him “M&rk.” I would like to sincerely apologize for all of the crap that I put him through, so if you ever read this, M&rk, seriously, I’m sorry.

asshole move

At one point first semester, I urinated in an empty coke bottle in my closet just for the hell of it. First off, I was shocked that I could fill a 20 oz container to precisely the same level that most beverages are bottled at, so I proudly showed M&rk my accomplishment. He was not amused. I wasn’t done though.

That day…was not M&rk’s day.

He had this unhealthy fascination with his computer, so one of my constant goals was to figure out ways to get him out of his computer chair besides sleeping and occasionally, bathing. Not only could I fill a 20 oz bottle with urine, my urine also was surprisingly warm. I wanted M&rk to know how warm it was, so I tried to hold it up to his face, but he was not having anything to do with that. I didn’t really understand why he was pissed (LOL OMG ROFL) about it, it’s not like I peed on the outside of the bottle. In retrospect, it was a pretty awful thing to do.

Dear M&rk,

I am profoundly sorry for holding a warm bottle of pee up to your face.

Love,

Matt

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