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Archive for January, 2010

     Get ready everyone, it’s time for the Wacky Weekly Wednesday Wrant! No that’s not gonna be a thing. I don’t have the consistency to pull off a rant every week on Wednesday. Some of you might point out that it is, in fact, Thursday. To that I respond, shut it. Time is a myth. It is true that this will be a legit rant. It’s been a while since I’ve been fired up about something, and I guess all that anger has been building up. I was probably about to pop and commit some random MDKs in this immediate vicinity. Nice to have a release rant.

     On to the rant. It’s 10:30 am today and my roommate knocks on my door to tell me that the College Park inspector is here. He comes around once a year to inspect rental houses to make sure that they’re safe enough to live in. A good service I suppose since most of us are students, and students clearly cannot be trusted to know whether or not the places in which they live are death traps. We’re dumb that way. Nevermind the fact that I was up until 7 am the previous night/morning discussing the recent Maryland Terrapins basketball victory spree. It was an enthralling conversation, augmented by Natty Light and Chesapeake Whisky. Exciting stuff. Clearly, I’m not in the mood to be ousted from my bed after sleeping for three hours, but what the hell, he has to check my smoke detector.

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     Annnnnd we’re back with the second stunning installment of Apologies to my Freshman Year Roommate: Gilo. I’m gonna stick with pranks pulled on people and create a separate category for other funny stories. I’m putting these online for the dual reason of allowing you to partake in the hilarity as well as because I’m starting to forget some of them and it would be good to have a record. So here’s another prank story from freshman year. Enjoy it. That’s an order.

     So freshman year, our floor (Centerville 6 North) had a running feud with the floor below us. I don’t even remember how it started, they were in a different College Park Scholars program than us and apparently we hated them for it. After a few pranks, which mostly involved JimSteve leaving street signs on their floor, they came up to talk to us. We decided there was no reason for the feud and turned our combined pranking skills onto the fourth floor. We hated those jerks, probably for the same reason we had previously hated the fifth floor, that is, no reason. Anyway, this joint pranking lasted for only one prank, possibly because it ended with me having to get surgery. How’s that for a hook? I dare you to stop reading.

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This Month’s Hero: Mark “Shenanigans Have Been Called” McGwire

I can't believe this is funny again.

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     So after not having a job for about seven months, I’ve learned how to stretch a dollar. There a certain things that you can’t escape paying for. Examples: Beer, tobacco products, gas, rent, bills and I guess the last on the list would be food. Other things can be got around. This is by no means a comprehensive list, look for updates as my situation gets more desperate.

#1 Toilet Paper
     Everyone knows that buying toilet paper is a ripoff. Most people, however, see no other options. I’ve found a way to avoid having to buy toilet paper. Napkins. Yeah, napkins. If you’re going out to buy fast food, avoid the drive through and go in. That way, you can hit up the condiment/drinks/utensils area. Most of these places will include napkin receptacles that you can ravage. Chipotle is the best, because as you’re getting napkins, you can also snag your choice of Tabasco sauce. You won’t get caught, trust me. I’ve done it with cops standing right next to me. Also, they get ridiculous deals at Chipotle. A cop paid $3.50 for a burrito and a large drink. For those of you that don’t know, the standard price for that is above seven bucks.
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     I was taking a look at our categories and I noticed that “Apologies to my Freshman Year Roomate” has only one entry. This was a category created by Pete, but I find the name particularly funny. I’m going to go ahead and butt in on the category (without expressed written consent). Unfortunately, I didn’t pull many pranks on my freshman year roomates, but I did pull plenty on other people. I could make up a new category “People I Totally Screwed Over in College,” but I like Pete’s better so I’m gonna stick with that. This is gonna start off with pranks pulled on people during college, but might progress into other funny stories from college. I’m not sure whether I’ll create another category for that, much like my “High School Stories” section. We’ll see.

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     Well, it’s 2010 and I guess it’s time for the first post of the New Year. If you’ve been checking in the last few days you might have noticed that two posts were added to December 31st. Yeah, I posted a couple things in January but changed the date to December. But seriously, who am I kidding, no one noticed that. I know you bastards don’t check this site that often. Unless you do. Then thanks. Anyway, I thought I would address something that has been giving me large amounts of amusement. That’s right, the top searches that lead most of you to this site. WordPress allows us to track not only how many of you check the site per day, but also the avenues that bring you here. Most come through web searches, and we can find the keywords in the search that somehow bring you to our mostly overlooked blog. I took a harder look at the keyword searches for the past 365 days (they tell me that that’s a full year). I would be disappointed in the keywords if it weren’t so damn funny. Let’s get into it.

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