Archive for June, 2012


As anyone who is about to read this already knows, for the past year I have been working at a restaurant.  I’m a manager/barista (think E from Entourage at Sbarro) at a little place called [name redacted] in Arlington, VA.  Anyways, I spend most of my days dealing with customers.  90% of them are some cool ass people and I genuinely enjoy seeing them on a daily basis. 

The other 10% are fucking assholes. 

Their biggest offense is that they don’t tip.  These are the type of people who push paper around a desk but won’t tip someone who stands on his feet for eight to twelve hours a day.  These people expect you to know their food allergies and, by extension, to know every ingredient in every piece of food in the restaurant. They ask for special treatment for their kids who “just won’t eat anything”.  These people have never worked a job requiring manual labor.  These people make you understand why al-Qaeda still plans attacks against Americans.

So here is a short list of some of there bullshit that I’ve had to put up with over the last year.  None of this is made up, it’s all too real:

-You only have a regular and a large size?  Nothing bigger?  You should really try to “keep up with the Joneses”…just saying.

-If like anything that even touched shrimp or seafood touches my food, I’ll like die…so what can I order?

-When I was in the bathroom the soap just sprayed out on my pants

-Can I get a hot chocolate with whipped cream, but skim milk?

-You’re really going to tell a pregnant lady that you’re out of bacon?

-Woman: You give away pastries at night to the homeless shelter?  So could I have some if I come at closing time? 

Me: “Ma’am, no offense, but you’re not homeless.” 

Woman: But I’m black, doesn’t that count?

-I want all the things that come in that sandwich, but in a salad…don’t worry she (the Salvadorean cook) knows how to make it.

-Iced chai, no ice.

-You guys don’t have pumpkin or peppermint lattes?  That’s lame.

-Sir…sir….(half crying) I just burned my mouth and lips on your tea.  Your tea is just far too hot, can I have some ice.  You really should look into making your hot water less hot, I’ve really burned myself and my mouth is starting to blister.

-Well in New Orleans you can get red beans and rice every night, so you should have it here every night too.

-Wait, I can’t get a mimosa to go?

-I didn’t know it was your yogurt was plain, my husband can’t eat plain yogurt, only the flavored stuff.

-Do you have any sugar free pastries?  Sugar free syrups? 

-Can I get the creole pilgrim sandwich, no bread?

I don’t have a good way of concluding this post.

Fuck all of these people.

Yes they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell.


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