Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Asshole Move’ Category

     Obviously it’s been a while since I updated the blog and I stumbled across a post that I had drafted in February. It’s a little out of date now since we haven’t actually had snow in a while, but I’m gonna go ahead and say that I posted it late on purpose for all of our readers in the Southern Hemisphere. I hear it’s Fall down there. And that all the toilets run in the opposite direction. Anyhow, enjoy!

     As you know, the District area was crippled by a snow storm of such magnitude that just seeing it drove many hopelessly insane. It was fun to watch the news ever night and see the pure panic in the eyes of the media as they warned of the upcoming storm of death. Note, the state of Maryland really does not understand snow removal. Yes, its nice that you’re out there in your snow plow, but the blade must in fact be lowered in order to move the snow. Christ, what a clusterfuck. My road is pretty low on the priority list of plowing so we couldn’t drive for a couple of days. This made walking to the liquor store a necessity. Unfortunately the only open liquor store was about a mile and three quarters away. What a pain in the ass. The bottle of Ol Grandad made the trip back bearable though.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

     Get ready everyone, it’s time for the Wacky Weekly Wednesday Wrant! No that’s not gonna be a thing. I don’t have the consistency to pull off a rant every week on Wednesday. Some of you might point out that it is, in fact, Thursday. To that I respond, shut it. Time is a myth. It is true that this will be a legit rant. It’s been a while since I’ve been fired up about something, and I guess all that anger has been building up. I was probably about to pop and commit some random MDKs in this immediate vicinity. Nice to have a release rant.

     On to the rant. It’s 10:30 am today and my roommate knocks on my door to tell me that the College Park inspector is here. He comes around once a year to inspect rental houses to make sure that they’re safe enough to live in. A good service I suppose since most of us are students, and students clearly cannot be trusted to know whether or not the places in which they live are death traps. We’re dumb that way. Nevermind the fact that I was up until 7 am the previous night/morning discussing the recent Maryland Terrapins basketball victory spree. It was an enthralling conversation, augmented by Natty Light and Chesapeake Whisky. Exciting stuff. Clearly, I’m not in the mood to be ousted from my bed after sleeping for three hours, but what the hell, he has to check my smoke detector.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

     Annnnnd we’re back with the second stunning installment of Apologies to my Freshman Year Roommate: Gilo. I’m gonna stick with pranks pulled on people and create a separate category for other funny stories. I’m putting these online for the dual reason of allowing you to partake in the hilarity as well as because I’m starting to forget some of them and it would be good to have a record. So here’s another prank story from freshman year. Enjoy it. That’s an order.

     So freshman year, our floor (Centerville 6 North) had a running feud with the floor below us. I don’t even remember how it started, they were in a different College Park Scholars program than us and apparently we hated them for it. After a few pranks, which mostly involved JimSteve leaving street signs on their floor, they came up to talk to us. We decided there was no reason for the feud and turned our combined pranking skills onto the fourth floor. We hated those jerks, probably for the same reason we had previously hated the fifth floor, that is, no reason. Anyway, this joint pranking lasted for only one prank, possibly because it ended with me having to get surgery. How’s that for a hook? I dare you to stop reading.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

     I was taking a look at our categories and I noticed that “Apologies to my Freshman Year Roomate” has only one entry. This was a category created by Pete, but I find the name particularly funny. I’m going to go ahead and butt in on the category (without expressed written consent). Unfortunately, I didn’t pull many pranks on my freshman year roomates, but I did pull plenty on other people. I could make up a new category “People I Totally Screwed Over in College,” but I like Pete’s better so I’m gonna stick with that. This is gonna start off with pranks pulled on people during college, but might progress into other funny stories from college. I’m not sure whether I’ll create another category for that, much like my “High School Stories” section. We’ll see.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

LOOK AT ME STUDYING, THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO

This Sign – Please ObserveĀ 

One of the most shocking things about law school thus far is the lax attitude several law students adopt while spending their time in the law library. There are designated areas for speaking; please, please, please stop. When I go to the library, I barely even breathe. If I wanted to talk, my face wouldn’t be buried in my Property book. I would be sitting in the lounge, where, shockingly, talking is encouraged!

No, I don’t give a damn what you did this weekend.

I’m here to use the silence that I can’t get at my apartment because of the crazy guy that lives below me.

I’m here to use the temperature controlled environment that doesn’t smell like urine like the public library.

I’m here to study without having to listen to middle/high/undergraduate/law school girls talk about their crushes and the steaming of milk for your crappy latte at a Starbucks.

I’m here because I have an hour until class and I NEED TO GET THIS READING DONE OR I’M GOING TO GET CALLED ON AND EMBARRASSED WHEN I CAN’T ANSWER; THE PROFESSOR WILL NOT UNDERSTAND THAT I COULDN’T FINISH BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY HATING YOU.

asshole move

This is one asshole move that you will not catch me pulling in the near future.

Seriously though, just do your work.

Read Full Post »

This is a new section I’ve been wanting to write about for quite some time – it’s just been weighing pretty heavily upon my conscience lately, so here it goes.

Anyone who knew or interacted with me during my freshman year at Susquehanna, they probably knew that I did not particularly get along well with my roommate at the time, let’s call him “M&rk.” I would like to sincerely apologize for all of the crap that I put him through, so if you ever read this, M&rk, seriously, I’m sorry.

asshole move

At one point first semester, I urinated in an empty coke bottle in my closet just for the hell of it. First off, I was shocked that I could fill a 20 oz container to precisely the same level that most beverages are bottled at, so I proudly showed M&rk my accomplishment. He was not amused. I wasn’t done though.

That day…was not M&rk’s day.

He had this unhealthy fascination with his computer, so one of my constant goals was to figure out ways to get him out of his computer chair besides sleeping and occasionally, bathing. Not only could I fill a 20 oz bottle with urine, my urine also was surprisingly warm. I wanted M&rk to know how warm it was, so I tried to hold it up to his face, but he was not having anything to do with that. I didn’t really understand why he was pissed (LOL OMG ROFL) about it, it’s not like I peed on the outside of the bottle. In retrospect, it was a pretty awful thing to do.

Dear M&rk,

I am profoundly sorry for holding a warm bottle of pee up to your face.

Love,

Matt

Read Full Post »

PS I Love You

This is the movie that Clint saw today.

Listen: “Big Girls Don’t Cry” – Fergie

Quote: “Someone down there is a girl!” – Meatwad

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »