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Archive for the ‘Hair’ Category

     The other day I ran out of shampoo. To most people, that would seem like a pretty standard part of life. Not so with me. This particular bottle of shampoo has lasted me for years. And I mean years. It all started senior year of college when a group of my friends and I moved into a house off campus. One of my roommates (and one of my boys to this day) and I shared a bathroom upstairs. This bathroom was covered in a previous post, but the point was that he brought a giant bottle of shampoo to the table. I won’t share his real name since to be mentioned on this blog might be a deal-breaker for any job he might want to have in future, but I have referred to him as J-Bone. K-Rock knows who I’m talking about.

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     It was suggested in a comment on one of Matt’s post that I am the resident hair expert at Ranty. This, of course, is 100% true. As proof of this fact, I have dug up some of the more outlandish hairdos I have rocked out in the past.

WARNING: Some viewers might find these haircuts shocking or even offensive. Ranty McRanterson is not responsible for any medical or emotional complications that you may experience. Not for the faint of heart.

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Samson: The Sequel

     For those of you that don’t know, for most of every year I have a ton of hair. This includes sideburns and a goatee in addition to the hair atop my head. It really pisses me off when people make comments about my appearance. They like to comment on how long my ‘hair’ is. First of all, its not hair, its a mane. Yeah, that’s right, like a lion. But it’s no regular mane. It’s The Mane of Infinite Justice. When utilized with The Sideburns of Indomitable Spirit and The Goatee of Righteousness it makes me the most powerful human on the face of the planet.

A relaxing day at the office.

     During the day, I am mild mannered Clint Gilo. By night I go by my alter ego: The Lion. With my superpowers, I fight the forces of injustice in a three-block radius. It’s true. I have this neighborhood on lockdown. Nothing goes down without me knowing. Last week some teenagers were out past curfew on Summit Street. Yeah, I took care of that.

     Mostly I use my powers for good. However, like any superhero, the temptation to use my powers to harm is sometimes hard to resist. So take some advice: Shut the fuck up about my hair.

Listen: Fall Out Boy, “I’ve Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song)”
Quote I: “Get that freakin’ kid out of my yard.” – My across the street neighbor referring to a certain someone who passed out against a tree in his backyard.
Quote II: “Take me back to my fucking tree!” – Andrew Storer

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