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Archive for the ‘Ranty’ Category

While perusing through some of the rants on this weblog, some of you may have been wondering – what the heck is wrong with the guys that write for this blog. One place you may have started to look is our History page, but there you only found answers to the history of Ranty McRanterson, and two stupid videos that say little [or, maybe a lot] about who we are.

This post will give you a glimpse into the childhood of just 1/2 of Ranty, but I hope that it provides some answers for you in your search for meaning and ‘Why, God, why?’

Haircut at a Young Age – The Modified Bowl Cut

bowl cut
I couldn’t link to a real picture of me, Lego’s shall suffice

In middle school, I, like many others at that time, conformed to the growing popular hair style – the bowl cut. I vividly remember walking into the local barbershop, and proclaiming:

“Make me look like Leonardo DiCaprio.”

My hair happens to be very thin, so I was unable to achieve the full, tousled look of most bowl cuts, so I simply parted my hair in the middle — and thought I was ‘it.’ I couldn’t wait to go to the next middle school dance, sporting the ‘wet’ look, a silver chain necklace, and a Guess shirt that showed off my tight body. Looking back, I couldn’t have been more wrong about the totality of those circumstances.

leonardo dicaprio
I was so close

Well, I did kind of was right about the Leonardo DiCaprio thing – in the prepubescent-bodied, smug-faced, wet-look-gelled-hair kind of way – but aside from that, I was way off.

Room Decor Until an Embarrassingly Old Age – The Care Bears Lamp

care bears lamp
I Love Lamp.

Yeah, I had a Care Bears lamp in my room until middle school, at which point I finally realized that I was too old for such childish things. It was just a lamp, it provided ample light and a warm glow to read Goosebumps books, it was a good lamp.

I was sad to see it go. I just put it in my brother’s room, where it currently adorns his nightstand. He’s going to kill me for putting this up here, but he likes it more than I did, and he’s 19. He also has an unhealthy obsession with A.C. Slater. Unlike his Facebook wall, he can’t censor this blog. Ha ha, sucker.

Sound Investments at a Young Age – Trading Money with my Brother

coins

He he…I win.

This one isn’t embarrassing at all – when my brother and I were just old enough to have our very own disposable income [allowance], I used to trade him shiny pennies for those big, dull quarters. Pennies were easier to swallow, and they were shiny, who wouldn’t want them more than a big dumb quarter? Apparently I’ve been effectively honing my persuasive voice since a very young age.

Traffic Lights Are Not Controlled by my Dad

traffic light
These lights actually are controlled by garage door openers

I still can’t believe I fell for this one. No matter how dumb I’ve made my brother seem up until this point, this one takes the cake for me being the idiot of the family. On trips over to my grandparents in Harleysville, we would always sit at the intersection of 113 and Cowpath Road. We’d stop and wait for the light to turn Green, and my dad, without fail, would get out the garage door opener and tell me that he was going to change the light by pressing the button.

I had a déjà vu experience sitting at that very light in high school, and man, did I feel special.

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The New Jersey General Assembly passed a resolution in recognition of the New York Giants winning Super Bowl XLII. The resolution included a few pokes o’ fun, New Jersey style!

Tackle Kareem McKenzie, a New Jersey native, was in attendance to represent the Giants. “We appreciate your efforts on behalf of the New Jersey Giants,” Assembly Minority Leader Alex DeCroce exclaimed, with a look of extreme satisfaction on his face that is annoying to other people who are less happy [that’s a definition].

Assemblyman Anthony Chiappone weighed in on the issue. “One day I hope to be standing here issuing a proclamation to the New Jersey Giants.”

As I was writing this post, Larry [my computer] decided to weigh in on the issue.

[Click to play audio]

Oh Larry, always patronizing.

Here’s a link to the full article from ESPN.com.

The General Assembly also sponsored a parade in honor of the Giants. Due to lack of funds, the parade was not advertised, and the procession consisted of the General Assembly walking around the block following this clown.

clown
Mr. Gigglesworth, the Clown

“We’ll certainly allot more funds to the ‘Tickertape Parade’ budget for next season, we need to get competitive with New York if we ever want the Giants to feel at home here,” lamented Chiappone.  “Mr. Gigglesworth was a hit at my son’s birthday party, but I think it may have been a mistake bringing him here.”

The last time the state of New Jersey had anything to celebrate was…well…

Never.

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Alright, I want you to click play on this video, close your eyes, make sure the sound is on. Ok, you can watch it if you want to. But if you choose to just listen, imagine that the audio pertains to this blog experience. You know, that warm feeling you used to get every time you came to Ranty McRanterson.

You have been loyal throughout the good times and the bad. The times when posts were as plentiful as the trees in a wild, tropical rainforest. The times when there were no posts for months.

Ranty McRanterson has been a place where young trainees come to get their start as bloggers. It has been a starting point for careers in the sciences, in the soils, in the laws, in local politics. It has been a place where washed up bloggers come to finish out their careers. Ok, it hasn’t been that yet, but it had the potential to be that. It has even been a place where people come to do nothing. They sign on and post nothing. I’m not naming any names though, out of respect for that individual. Cough-BRI-Cough.

But now is not a time to dwell upon the past or even the present, because there is a bright future in store for RMcR, coming to an internet near you in 2007. Stay tuned for more updates.

Listen: Europe, “The Final Countdown”

Quote: “I suck.” – Andrew Storer

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     I would like to share a game that I’ve been playing for the past couple weeks. Since I have to drive about an hour to and from work everyday on highways, I have time to be bored enough to want to risk my life to make the ride more enjoyable. To that end, I’ve started tailgaiting tractor-trailers. This started as an effort to save gas by drafting, but it has become so much more. Allow me to explain the rules.

     First, find a tractor trailer going approximately sixty-five mph (the faster, the more fun). Get behind this truck and inch up on it until you are about ten to fifteen feet away. Maintain this distance as well as possible and enjoy!

     It gets even more exciting with a small car. I drive a Ford Focus and I like to open all the windows when I participate in this event. You really haven’t lived until you felt your car being tossed around by the backwash of an eighteen wheeler at ten feet and seventy-five miles an hour. That shit is intense.

     On a final note, don’t worry about the trucker. He doesn’t even know you’re there.

Listen: The Black Crowes, “She Talks to Angels”

Quote:
J.D.: Look, uh… Janitor…
[the Janitor rolls his eyes]
J.D.: …I’m gonna be straight with you: I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes.
[the Janitor takes a second to process this answer]
Janitor: Uhhh…
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man – I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you’d have seen my penis, you know!
Janitor: What? Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!

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This post sponsored by: Procrastination and Yuengling Traditional Lager

This was going to be the 100th post until I realized that drafts technically count as posts, and there were two drafts from last September. So then I deleted them, making this the 98th post…so the celebration came early. Deal with it.

Changes?

Well, for starters, I took advantage of the new labeling system that Blogger has so graciously provided. Now, should your heart desire, you can organize our posts into cute little categories — something many of you have been begging for for months.

And obviously, the gorgeous new header that was forged in a furnace behind my dorm is pretty special. I really like using that idea, something about energizing an economy to make it competitive on a global scale by encouraging everyone in your nation to build a furnace to make steel in their backyard, it’s just innovative. Dumb as hell, but innovative. And that’s what we like here.

Well, that’s all of the improvements I could think of, aside from sporadic (at best) updates…now on to the assessment of the past 99…well, 97 posts.

Statistically speaking, I used a very scientific data analysis strategy to see how we matched up against one another.

Matt – Designated Hitter: Clearly, steroids were a factor

Posts – 48

Posting Percentage – .494

Best Streak – 8

Clint – The Trusty Left-Fielder, despite injury maintained a good season

Posts – 34

Posting Percentage – .351

Best Streak – 4

Dirq – Aging catcher with shotty knees, focused on his political career

Posts – 9

Posting Percentage – .093

Best Streak – 1

Will – Relief Pitcher, spent optional practice time with bike/woman/studying physics

Posts – 6

Posting Percentage – .062

Best Streak – 1

So there you have the breakdown. Sure, my stats may have been slightly padded with YouTube videos, but hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Listen: Standard of Living, “Never Fade From Me”

Quote: “We waited five minutes because the croissants were that fresh.” – CFC’s “Oldie”

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     To our vast readership: I’m back bitches.

     Using my favorite site, the Enduring Vision, as a guide, I feel it necessary to provide an explanation for my long hiatus from postation. Recently, my life has lost direction, but even more recently, I was the victim of a tragedy so horrible that I totally hit bottom. I’ve started parking my car in the lawn, and I haven’t showered, changed clothes or gone to class since Saturday (It’s now Tuesday night). What could have reduced me to rubble like this?

(more…)

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Vote Now: Your favorite crappy joke

Here at Ranty McRanterson we have been having problems beating back our subscriber base and keeping our post comments in the hundreds, rather than thousands. Perhaps it is the price we pay for being named the top blog in Blogosphere magazine and earning the “Best Content” award from Web 2.0. This said, I propose to involve our vast fanbase in an interactive post:

List your favorite over-used joke. You know, the joke that puts the douche in douche bag.

My favorite: Upon the accidental ingestion of an insect, said joke teller remarks, “Hey, no big deal. It’s a good source of protein”

hahahahahahahahahaha, thanks.

Listen: Stars, “Set yourself on fire”

Quote: “Wanti wanti can’t get it, getti getti no want it.” – Some Rastafarian

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