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My Millenial Mindset

This is not what I had in mind.  I was told that if I went to college, studied hard, got a good GPA that it wouldn’t matter what my major was.  I just needed that piece of paper and upon graduation; the world would become my oyster.  I would open it take the pearl inside and then slide its briny squishy meat down my gullet.  If I then went on to graduate schools and got a Master’s degree, the world would be my oyster farm with morning pearl dives and afternoon bourbon cocktails.  This isn’t what happened: neither the metaphor nor the reality.

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As anyone who is about to read this already knows, for the past year I have been working at a restaurant.  I’m a manager/barista (think E from Entourage at Sbarro) at a little place called [name redacted] in Arlington, VA.  Anyways, I spend most of my days dealing with customers.  90% of them are some cool ass people and I genuinely enjoy seeing them on a daily basis. 

The other 10% are fucking assholes. 

Their biggest offense is that they don’t tip.  These are the type of people who push paper around a desk but won’t tip someone who stands on his feet for eight to twelve hours a day.  These people expect you to know their food allergies and, by extension, to know every ingredient in every piece of food in the restaurant. They ask for special treatment for their kids who “just won’t eat anything”.  These people have never worked a job requiring manual labor.  These people make you understand why al-Qaeda still plans attacks against Americans.

So here is a short list of some of there bullshit that I’ve had to put up with over the last year.  None of this is made up, it’s all too real:

-You only have a regular and a large size?  Nothing bigger?  You should really try to “keep up with the Joneses”…just saying.

-If like anything that even touched shrimp or seafood touches my food, I’ll like die…so what can I order?

-When I was in the bathroom the soap just sprayed out on my pants

-Can I get a hot chocolate with whipped cream, but skim milk?

-You’re really going to tell a pregnant lady that you’re out of bacon?

-Woman: You give away pastries at night to the homeless shelter?  So could I have some if I come at closing time? 

Me: “Ma’am, no offense, but you’re not homeless.” 

Woman: But I’m black, doesn’t that count?

-I want all the things that come in that sandwich, but in a salad…don’t worry she (the Salvadorean cook) knows how to make it.

-Iced chai, no ice.

-You guys don’t have pumpkin or peppermint lattes?  That’s lame.

-Sir…sir….(half crying) I just burned my mouth and lips on your tea.  Your tea is just far too hot, can I have some ice.  You really should look into making your hot water less hot, I’ve really burned myself and my mouth is starting to blister.

-Well in New Orleans you can get red beans and rice every night, so you should have it here every night too.

-Wait, I can’t get a mimosa to go?

-I didn’t know it was your yogurt was plain, my husband can’t eat plain yogurt, only the flavored stuff.

-Do you have any sugar free pastries?  Sugar free syrups? 

-Can I get the creole pilgrim sandwich, no bread?

I don’t have a good way of concluding this post.

Fuck all of these people.

Yes they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell.

 

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It has now been five years since Dave Chappelle left the entertainment world to go chill out on his Ohio farm.  At first, his absence from Comedy Central simply meant a lot of unsuccessful sketch shows in his former time slot.  Now, the lack of Chappelle in the social commentary is hurting out country.  No other black comedian since has had a similar television show, and those that do (Tyler Perry) aren’t funny and show white America the “Family Matters” side of black America.  Chappelle made us all laugh at the blatant racism and bigotry that still exists in our country despite all the talk of equality and a “post-racial” society.  Whether it be the Gay KKK, Friday Night Sissy Fights, Real Real World, The World is Not Meant for Us, or any other sketch, Chappelle was not only making us laugh but also making us think just a little bit.

Alright, I’m not going to go into some diatribe about the socio-economic importance of black comic commentary in America, although I could, but that wouldn’t be in line with the Ranty McRanterson policy on seriousness (none is allowed).  So, Mr. Chappelle, if you’re listening…PLEASE COME BACK.  Here is a list of possible sketches I thought of for you.  You don’t have to pay me for them, just come back.  If you don’t, the possibility exists that Demetri Martin or Carlos Mencia would get a show again.  Do you really want that on your conscience Dave?  Do you?

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     So I guess it’s been a while gentle reader. My life is in shambles, so I figured I could get back to posting on a semi-regular basis. I will not tell you about my recent quarter-life crisis, no one cares. I will however share some moderately entertaining stories, thoughts and the like. Maybe this will even inspire Petey to come back and post with me. I don’t know, I’m not Colombo. Either way, let’s begin.

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Comparison

coke1.jpg

I don’t condone drug use, but the similarity between these two photos is uncanny.

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PS I Love You

This is the movie that Clint saw today.

Listen: “Big Girls Don’t Cry” – Fergie

Quote: “Someone down there is a girl!” – Meatwad

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