Archive for the ‘Video Games’ Category

     Today, I heard one of my roommates running around like a hellion doing who knows what. The first thing that ran through my mind is that they would most certainly get the “Most Frantic” award in N64 Goldeneye multiplay. It occurred to me that it might be funny to label some of my friends by which Goldeneye multiplayer awards they would receive in the game of life. If you are not included in this list and consider yourself my friend, you should probably reconsider that. Kidding, this is just one crew and it happens to be the people I hang out with the most. Again though, none of you a-holes read this anyhow so shut your faces.

Somebody's about to kill themselves.


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This Month’s Hero: Carl “CJ” Johnson

Bicycle Drive By. The gangster version of Motorcycle Drive By by TEB.

     This is actually a very long overdue tribute to one of my favorite video game characters. Carl is the protagonist from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. After approximately one million hours of actual playtime, I feel like I’ve gotten to know CJ pretty well. For a short sum up of his personality, he’s a street thug with a heart of gold. He has the ability to befriend many people from disparate ethnicities as well as socio-economic groups.


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     Here we are for my second strange remembered dream. This one involves the game Viva Piñata: Classic. It is a children’s game where the object is to attract various piñata species (yes, animal piñatas) and breed them, produce various goods with them, let them be food for other piñatas or to just let them sit there and be pretty. My obsession with this game began when my former roommate, Chris, purchased the game for reasons beyond me. As he played it, I constantly made fun of him. But after watching for a few hours, I decided to start my own garden and see what I could do. Let me tell you, this jaun is ridiculously addicting. I really don’t understand how it’s a children’s game because it is incredibly complex. There are over sixty species of piñata, as well as buildings to house each species, other houses to process animal products, various plants that the piñatas eat. There are also ‘evil’ piñatas that wreck your garden, but can be converted into ‘good’ piñatas that can benefit the garden. Some of the species do not get along with one another and fight, and there are various species variants. Most of this can only be discovered on the internet (Viva Piñata has its own Wiki) and it is necessary to play with a laptop open next to you in order to figure out where to go next. Anyway, I guess my obsession with the game led to one of my patented Clint’s Strange Dreams®.


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Hiatus II, Explanation of

     Yes, the time has come for yet another hiatus explanation. As you may remember, there was a previous hiatus explanation about the destruction of a video game and my subsequent descent into madness. Fortunately I shook that spiral of self-destruction by finding an appropriate outlet for my anger: Punching random strangers in the face. Unfortunately this post will not be about those particular confrontations and their outcomes, for that could land me in jail for a prolonged period of time. Not that I’m doing anything better with my life, but I’m already somebody’s bitch (Pete) and I don’t want to cause any hurt feelings. Anyway, let’s get down to it.


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     To our vast readership: I’m back bitches.

     Using my favorite site, the Enduring Vision, as a guide, I feel it necessary to provide an explanation for my long hiatus from postation. Recently, my life has lost direction, but even more recently, I was the victim of a tragedy so horrible that I totally hit bottom. I’ve started parking my car in the lawn, and I haven’t showered, changed clothes or gone to class since Saturday (It’s now Tuesday night). What could have reduced me to rubble like this?


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The only game that my Motorola Razr comes preloaded with is a demo version of Bejeweled 2. You can only play the first level, and sometimes that only lasts like one move.

In my vast experience with the game, spanning two cell phones and countless hours of play, I have never beaten the high score that I set on the first time I played the game on that respective phone. The first time, it was 620, and on my current phone, it’s now set at 650.

It’s seriously impossible to beat your high score without buying the game. It’s so frustrating, you’d think they wouldn’t torture you like that in the demo version of the game. But I don’t play into their hands, I will not cave and buy the full version, despite constantly trying to do the impossible in beating my high score.

By not buying the game, I maintain that I’m not as much of a loser for playing a cell phone game that much (ok, it’s not really that much, but I play enough to know I can’t beat my high score) and that I get really pissed at the game (but I guess that isn’t too far of a stretch of the imagination if you’ve ever seen or heard me play Madden or Halo, or now, Gears of War).

Listen: Dustin Kensrue, “Pistol”

Quote: “Matt’s a healthy bastard. Happy fucking birthday.” – Jennay, on my bag of rice cakes that I enjoyed while everyone else had cake.

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Burger King and Xbox 360 team up to provide you with the game “Sneak King” which can be purchased for $3.99 with a Burker King value meal starting November 19th. “Use cunning stealth to sneak up behind unsuspecting people and bestow them with a delicious meal.”

Finally, all of my dreams of being The King (in some form) will come true!

Listen: Brand New, “Jesus Christ”

Quote: “…Oh my Science.” – United Atheists Alliance member on South Park

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We’re starting a new series here at Ranty McRanterson, entitled Video Games Based on Classic Novels. The first installment of this series is about the Xbox Live Arcade game, Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved. It is a little known fact that this game is actually a futuristic portrayal of John Steinbeck’s classic, The Grapes of Wrath.

You begin the game as Tom Joad, and your goal is to destroy as many migrant farm workers ( your competition as you make your way across the country to California) as you can with a machine gun. These migrant farm workers, and in the later levels, government officials, are represented by geometric shapes, such as the blue diamond farm workers in the screenshot below. The more migrant workers and government representatives you kill, the more points you accumulate.

Eventually, your machine gun gets upgraded to a wider blaster ray gun, in order to increase the carnage, which is representative of Tom Joad’s character development throughout the Grapes of Wrath.

Your multiplier goes up as the spirit builds within your futuristic little Tom Joad, as you fight injustice you can almost hear your character speaking the famous soliloquoy, “Wherever they’s a fight so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever they’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there. If Casy knowed, why, I’ll be in the way guys yell when they’re mad an’—I’ll be in the way kids laugh when they’re hungry n’ they know supper’s ready. An’ when our folks eat the stuff they raise an’ live in the houses they build—why, I’ll be there.”

As you near a million points and countless government officials beaten down, the pride and resolve of Tom Joad is visible in his ability warp the space-time grid in the background as well as his ability to navigate through the chaotic maze of geometric shapes that now inhabit the United States.

The high definition graphics and realism of the game make you feel like you’re reading the book. You really begin to feel inspired by Tom Joad’s tenacity. This is one of the best book to video game transitions I have ever seen.

Listen: Bloc Party, “Like Eating Glass”

Quote: “What’s it called, Anal Blazer? Because that’s what you like to play over and over don’t you? You know how you play it? I’ll tell you. Level 1 is at a truck stop filled with loooonely truckers, level 2 is at a public restroom along the highway.” – Master Shake

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Duck Hunt, etc.

I am not a huge gamer, nor have I owned a “console” since nintendo. However, this must be the best page currently on the web

Listen: Matt Pond PA, “So Much Trouble”

Quote: “you bet your ass his mind is working on a rich tapestry of insults” – Clint, 2 posts ago describing Matt

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