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Archive for the ‘WTF’ Category

We all love Chipotle.  The soft flour tortilla overflowing with fluffy rice, juicy pepper and onions, mushy beans, succulent tender meats, spicy salsa, gooey guacamole and semi-melted jack cheese.  My keyboard is covered in drool just thinking about it.  My friend, the Steak Burrito with red salsa (hot), pinto beans and cheese, is probably the stupidest thing to eat the night before a job interview.  The song “Tainted Love” springs into my head.

I arrived in College Park for a job interview in Arlington.  Meeting up with my bros we drank some Buds (heavy, not light), got hungry and went to that old standby:  the Greenbelt Chipotle.  A straight shot up MD-193 with the omnipresent danger of hitting a day laborer crossing Greenbelt Road makes the sizzling scent of Chipotle all the more enticing.  The fact that you may very well murder a Mexican en route to eat Mexican food somehow makes the burrito that much tastier.  But I digress…  We got our Chipotle, somehow managed not to eat it in the car and made our way back to 8802, a house so filled with empty beer bottles and cans that a homeless man buy his way off the street if he discovered that Shangri-la of recyclables.  I forgot, this post is about the dangers of Chipotle…I’ll stay on topic.  Chipotle finished, some more Bud time followed by bed time.  Up early for the long Metro (Green + Orange) to Arlington, VA.

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     If you’ve ever rolled through College Park, Maryland, you may have seen the following sign:

     A livable community? I guess that’s the best they thought they could get away with. I can just imagine that council meeting.
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     So I guess it’s been a while gentle reader. My life is in shambles, so I figured I could get back to posting on a semi-regular basis. I will not tell you about my recent quarter-life crisis, no one cares. I will however share some moderately entertaining stories, thoughts and the like. Maybe this will even inspire Petey to come back and post with me. I don’t know, I’m not Colombo. Either way, let’s begin.

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Captain: What You Say!?!

     I was tooling around with my email today (Gmail is the bomb diggity) and I foolishly ventured into my spam folder. First off, the spam screen for Gmail is awesome. There was absolutely nothing in there that I wanted to look at, it even knows me so well that it places overdue bills there. Just fantastic. Anyway, I noticed that I had some apparently important unread messages from people with some very strange names. I read them and was totally confounded by the weirdness.

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The Haircut

I went to get my hairs cut today, and it was quite an experience, let me tell you (and I will, since this is my post).

The local Costcutters ($13.95 for a “style” cut) is right down the road. I walk in, and I’m greeted by an elderly receptionist, and she asks me what I’d like done. It’s so good that they let people over 60 work.

To my surprise, the woman instructs me to come to the back, because she’s ready to cut my hair. At this point I noticed a resemblance to someone from somewhere, I’m running scenarios through my head of where I know this woman from — is this someone’s grandmother…does she have a great granddaughter that I know…is she from an AARP brochure that was mailed to my apartment for a previous tenant…

Anyway, she starts with the cut. I instruct her as plainly as I can what I need done. “One on the sides, scissors at finger-length on the top, blend it in the middle, and box it in the back.” It’s an easy cut. Let’s put it this way – freshman year, girls that have never cut hair before cut my hair and it was fine. I would assume that at Costcutters, the “stylists” are put through some sort of intensive training program.

symmetry in action

A course in geometry apparently is not involved in this training program, given the result of my hair cut.

If any Costcutters stylists view this, please observe the above image, and note how each of these shapes can be cut exactly in half, and both of their sides are exactly the same! It’s called symmetry, and most people learn it when they’re three by folding a piece of paper in half.

Anyway, substantial modifications were necessary upon my return home, and when I’m paying $13.95 plus a tip, I shouldn’t have to modify anything.

My stylist is trying to strike up conversation, and striking out on every proposed topic.

So, how was your day?

Good.

Man, that rain is bad out there, is there a lot of traffic?

Yes, it is bad, and yes, there is a lot of traffic, which is typical for 5:00 pm on a Friday.

What do you do?

Study and go to school.

I went to school once. One time I failed algebra, and I had to beg my teacher to pass me.

[No response………long, awkward pause]

So, who are you going to vote for for President? I haven’t been following it much, but I like Obama, he seems like a nice fellow.

At this point, I realize who she is. It’s the mom from Requiem for a Dream. You know, the one who gets addicted to pills.

stylist

Yup, that’s her. I can’t believe it. This woman is wearing too much makeup, has a bad dye-job, has a nervous tick. No wonder she can’t cut hair.

Lady, I don’t know who I’m going to vote for.

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Comparison

coke1.jpg

I don’t condone drug use, but the similarity between these two photos is uncanny.

coke2.jpg

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PS I Love You

This is the movie that Clint saw today.

Listen: “Big Girls Don’t Cry” – Fergie

Quote: “Someone down there is a girl!” – Meatwad

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