New Low

me: i really wished i hadn’t lost my nail clippers
Annie: why don’t you get new ones?
me: cause i know they’re still here
as soon as i buy another ill find the first pair and be furious
Annie: or you could just have two
me: nope
just furious
Annie: hang on to it in case you lose it again
yeah that seems more sensible
me: that would be the third pair of nail clippers i bought in six months
is that right?
pair of nail clippers?
Annie: I think so
me: doesn’t seem right
but neither does pair of scissors
Annie: but now that I think about it it doesn’t make sense
me: right?
Annie: pair of pants
does pair have another meaning?
me: it doesn’t seem to make sense when the pair is attached
maybe we could call them conjoined scissors?
Annie: right cause I think of pair as being two things
yeah but wouldn’t that just mean that each part should be separate
or could be separate
not really scissors anymore. just a blade
me: GODDAMN YOU ENGLISH LANGUAGE

—

Listen: Chris Brown, “Deuces”
Read: “You bastard.” – Peter

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College Park: The Classiest Place on Earth

     If you’ve ever rolled through College Park, Maryland, you may have seen the following sign:

     A livable community? I guess that’s the best they thought they could get away with. I can just imagine that council meeting.

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