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Archive for the ‘Self-Indulgence’ Category

     I suppose it’s time to do a new post. I’ve been away for a while. Apparently my last legit post was in October. Whoops. I’ve been busy, uninspired, lazy. I was gonna post something about a month ago. It was a long guide for Maryland drivers unfamiliar on how to drive in the snow. I put a lot of work into it (about twenty minutes, don’t judge me), but then my computer caught a death virus and I started losing functionality. I had to frantically transfer files to a borrowed flash drive and I foolishly went for my lab data that I had spent hundreds of hours on. By the time it came to getting my personal files, the computer had shut itself down and refused to start back up. I ended up losing all my personal files, including several ideas I had for posts.

     I know what you’re saying, “you could have just wrote your posts on WordPress and then you’d still have them regardless of what your stupid computer does.” That’s probably a good idea. Now allow me to promptly ignore your advice and keep writing in Word and transferring things over. I’ve got a very specific process that I like to follow.

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     As you may or may not know, Ranty McRanterson was recently riding a tidal wave of popularity. In March 2010, our hit count was 1,133. That number marked a steady increase since Ranty’s founding in roughly 10,000 BC. Yes, it was a pretty flat line there for a while. In April 2010, I noticed a sharp spike in our monthly hit count, up to 1,873. Nice, but nothing to write home about. I figured it would drop back down the next month. But then May rolled along. Ranty’s hit count skyrocketed to 3,864. We saw it as a sign. We were now gods among mortals. We started buying houses and cars well beyond our means, gave ourselves huge bonuses and chartered a private spaceship ride to Mars.

Artist's rendition of our private spaceship.

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     So after not having a job for about seven months, I’ve learned how to stretch a dollar. There a certain things that you can’t escape paying for. Examples: Beer, tobacco products, gas, rent, bills and I guess the last on the list would be food. Other things can be got around. This is by no means a comprehensive list, look for updates as my situation gets more desperate.

#1 Toilet Paper
     Everyone knows that buying toilet paper is a ripoff. Most people, however, see no other options. I’ve found a way to avoid having to buy toilet paper. Napkins. Yeah, napkins. If you’re going out to buy fast food, avoid the drive through and go in. That way, you can hit up the condiment/drinks/utensils area. Most of these places will include napkin receptacles that you can ravage. Chipotle is the best, because as you’re getting napkins, you can also snag your choice of Tabasco sauce. You won’t get caught, trust me. I’ve done it with cops standing right next to me. Also, they get ridiculous deals at Chipotle. A cop paid $3.50 for a burrito and a large drink. For those of you that don’t know, the standard price for that is above seven bucks.
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     It was suggested in a comment on one of Matt’s post that I am the resident hair expert at Ranty. This, of course, is 100% true. As proof of this fact, I have dug up some of the more outlandish hairdos I have rocked out in the past.

WARNING: Some viewers might find these haircuts shocking or even offensive. Ranty McRanterson is not responsible for any medical or emotional complications that you may experience. Not for the faint of heart.

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Comparison

coke1.jpg

I don’t condone drug use, but the similarity between these two photos is uncanny.

coke2.jpg

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Ranty McRanterson’s “WELCOME TO THE TROPHY ROOM” Award 2007
And the winner is:

Congratulations!

Listen: Grandaddy, “He’s Simple, He’s Dumb, He’s the Pilot”

Quote: “I win.” – Me

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Semi-pro cyclist Matthew L*ndis at a gala event in Carlisle.

This was taken from an Associated Press Article posted today at 10:15am EST.

SOUDERTON, Pennsylvania (AP)

Rising cycling star Matthew L*ndis has tested positive for “unbelievably high” levels of testosterone after the mile 17 rest stop in Saturday’s annual River to River Ride in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. A statement issued by PedalPA in conjunction with the UCI announced that upon examination of the cyclist and his water bottle, it was obvious that L*ndis’ testosterone levels were not only high, but the ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone were out of this world.

A spokesperson for the UCI added, “We’re pretty sure that everything that could be wrong with the testosterone levels was wrong. The levels were high, low, the ratio was too close and too far away at the same time, therefore he must be taking a substance banned by the UCI.”

L*ndis’ historic performance during the River to River ride alone was enough to raise suspicions. He hadn’t even touched his bike since late March, and managed to complete the ride in record time. An eyewitness who was at the finish line when Landis completed the ride said, “I think he said ‘I am all that is man’ and then did a couple fistpumps, and then a couple more, which I thought was going a little overboard. My immediate reaction was, ‘What an asshole.’ Then he pushed over an old woman who was trying to cross the street, which confirmed my initial assertion.”

Upon confirmation of a “B” sample, L*ndis will be forced into exile from his residence in Souderton, Pennsylvania.

L*ndis remains adamant about his innocence. “I have never used any banned substances. Anyone that knows me, knows that my levels of testosterone far supercede most males on this earth.”

Fans cheer L*ndis on during the ride

“It’s true,” said friend and co-worker Clint Gill. “The guy has a libido of a rabbit hyped up on Viagra. And last time I checked, that’s a certain indicator of anything that could be interpreted as ‘wrong’ with testosterone levels.”

Gill added, “He’s always the first one out in our Seinfeld-esque contests to be the ‘master of your domains.'” [For those unfamiliar with the 1992 episode of Seinfeld, The Contest, refer to this website for a brief description.]

In L*ndis’ career, he has never tested positive for any illegal substance.

Jeff Musselman, L*ndis’ agent, answered many questions in a press conference early this morning. “Matt has never used any illegal substances, he’s actually kind of embarassed that this news has come to light in this way. Believe me, he doesn’t need to add any more testosterone. Don’t tell him I told you this, but he often ‘pitches tents’ if you know what I’m saying, at inappropriate times as a result of his testosterone ‘problem.’ He has undergone counseling on the subject, and has been repeatedly told that he “won’t be sad about it in about 40 years,” when most men will be wishing they had that extra man juice.”

L*ndis is currently believed to be somewhere within the vicinity of Snyder County, Pennsylvania, or in hiding in Washington DC.

Listen: The Jackson Five, “I Want You Back”

Quote: “I’m a man, boy. I’m macho. I ain’t no bicurious. If I was that, why would my muscles be all big, and wearing this spandex” – Meatwad

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