Semi-pro cyclist Matthew L*ndis at a gala event in Carlisle.This was taken from an Associated Press Article posted today at 10:15am EST.
SOUDERTON, Pennsylvania (AP)
Rising cycling star Matthew L*ndis has tested positive for “unbelievably high” levels of testosterone after the mile 17 rest stop in Saturday’s annual River to River Ride in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. A statement issued by PedalPA in conjunction with the UCI announced that upon examination of the cyclist and his water bottle, it was obvious that L*ndis’ testosterone levels were not only high, but the ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone were out of this world.
A spokesperson for the UCI added, “We’re pretty sure that everything that could be wrong with the testosterone levels was wrong. The levels were high, low, the ratio was too close and too far away at the same time, therefore he must be taking a substance banned by the UCI.”
L*ndis’ historic performance during the River to River ride alone was enough to raise suspicions. He hadn’t even touched his bike since late March, and managed to complete the ride in record time. An eyewitness who was at the finish line when Landis completed the ride said, “I think he said ‘I am all that is man’ and then did a couple fistpumps, and then a couple more, which I thought was going a little overboard. My immediate reaction was, ‘What an asshole.’ Then he pushed over an old woman who was trying to cross the street, which confirmed my initial assertion.”
Upon confirmation of a “B” sample, L*ndis will be forced into exile from his residence in Souderton, Pennsylvania.
L*ndis remains adamant about his innocence. “I have never used any banned substances. Anyone that knows me, knows that my levels of testosterone far supercede most males on this earth.”
Fans cheer L*ndis on during the ride
“It’s true,” said friend and co-worker Clint Gill. “The guy has a libido of a rabbit hyped up on Viagra. And last time I checked, that’s a certain indicator of anything that could be interpreted as ‘wrong’ with testosterone levels.”
Gill added, “He’s always the first one out in our Seinfeld-esque contests to be the ‘master of your domains.'” [For those unfamiliar with the 1992 episode of Seinfeld, The Contest, refer to this website for a brief description.]
In L*ndis’ career, he has never tested positive for any illegal substance.
Jeff Musselman, L*ndis’ agent, answered many questions in a press conference early this morning. “Matt has never used any illegal substances, he’s actually kind of embarassed that this news has come to light in this way. Believe me, he doesn’t need to add any more testosterone. Don’t tell him I told you this, but he often ‘pitches tents’ if you know what I’m saying, at inappropriate times as a result of his testosterone ‘problem.’ He has undergone counseling on the subject, and has been repeatedly told that he “won’t be sad about it in about 40 years,” when most men will be wishing they had that extra man juice.”
L*ndis is currently believed to be somewhere within the vicinity of Snyder County, Pennsylvania, or in hiding in Washington DC.
Listen: The Jackson Five, “I Want You Back”
Quote: “I’m a man, boy. I’m macho. I ain’t no bicurious. If I was that, why would my muscles be all big, and wearing this spandex” – Meatwad
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