Hero of the Month – June 2006

This Month’s Hero: Bill O’Reilly

What a dreamboat.

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Name Games

     Today I was out on a nice Sunday drive, when I saw something that really boiled my potatoes. This is strange because I am usually a mild-mannered individual who does not let much get under his skin, and I am especially responsible behind the wheel. What I saw was some store (I forget what they were selling, probably potpourri or something) whose name contained the word shoppe. How infuriatingly dumb. Is this what passes for cute or clever in today’s culture? How do I even pronounce that word? It couldn’t sound like shop because if it did, any normal person would spell it as such. I guess it’s shop-e, but then what does it mean? If the e part stands for elite am I allowed to shop there? Would I even consider shopping at a store that thinks its better than me? I really don’t need these added complications in shopping; it’s bad enough as is. Any other unnecessary spelling malfeasances also piss me off, like writing center as centre or spelling vehicle with an f. So be forewarned, if I find this type of ridiculousness in use I’m liable to walk up and partake in a frank exchange of ideas. Watch out.

Sometimes I hate this world.

—

Listen: Ben Folds, “Still Fighting It”
Quote: “I don’t make faces, I smash them.” – Me

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Much Ado About Moats

     I’ve decided that I really hate people who have moats around their houses. I came to this realization one day last week when I was liming lawns in deep Harleysville and had to deal with a moat. I finished spreading lime all around except inside the moated off area, and then realized that the homeowners left the drawbridge up. So, now I’m trying to figure out how to get a spreader and a hundred pounds of lime across a seven-foot wide, seven-foot deep channel of water. I ended up having to create a complicated system of pulleys to lift the spreader and lime across. Good thing I always carry my trusty kit of simple machines.

     The annoyance of having to deal with getting stuff across the moat is not my only beef. I cannot thing of a more obnoxious status symbol than a moat. What purpose could it possibly serve? Protection? I can still shoot you in the face across seven feet of water. I guess it would fall under the category of decoration, but come on, a moat?!? Just get some landscaping like a normal human being and leave it at that. Are you really so insecure that you need to announce to the rest of the world that you’re the best by surrounding yourself with water? The worst part though, had to be what the moat was filled with. If it had stuff like alligators or man-eating sharks, I would say “Alright, that’s pretty bad ass.” But no, it was filled with Koi. A Koi moat, what a bunch of bastards. I ate four of the Koi out of spite before leaving.

So much superfluous water.

—

Listen: Pink Floyd, “Goodbye Blue Sky”
Quote: “Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is… maybe he didn’t?” – Eli Cash

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Charles…Your Boner

Holy boner, Batman!

A former handyman has won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection.

Yeah, that’s right. This is unbelievable, I’m not sure whether to feel sorry for this guy or not. I mean, it’s hysterical to think of all of the situations in which it would be awkward to be walking around with a huge erection.

The first thing I thought of was the movie Road Trip where they visit someone’s grandparents on the trip and the grandfather is walking around with a boner and is knocking stuff over with it. Awesome.

Plus, this guy probably paid a good amount of money for this procedure. He definitely made it back with the $400,000 dollars, and man, a lot of guys would pay that to have a boner all the time.

It might hurt after a while though..

Top 2 Things to do with a Massive Erection

1. Enter your PIN number at the ATM.
2. Announce to pesky telemarketers: “I’ve had a gigantic boner for 10 years, leave me the hell alone.”

Listen: Fenix TX, “The Rooster Song”

Quote: “Don’t act like you’re not impressed.” – Ron Burgandy

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The Next Internet Craze (Brought to you at INTERNET SPEED)

When Clint Attacks

Listen: The Cars, “Just What I Needed”

Quote: “And because his genitals…were purple!” – Shake

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Expect to be Pissed Off

     I really despise those new television commercials for carding underage citizens for tobacco. Those of you who have seen this “Expect to be Carded” ad campaign should immediately know what I’m talking about, but for those of you who haven’t, allow me to set the scene for one such commercial. A guy and a girl walk into a convenience store. The guy looks underage for the purchase of tobacco and he gives off the total toolbox vibe to boot. Imagine the video for “The Real Slim Shady,” he would be one of the extras. The girl is yapping on a cell phone saying things like “Oh, girl I know I look good.” They approach the counter and the guy says, “Can I get a pack of smokes?” The cashier just stares at him and gives this douchebag face that says “Give em to me bitch.” Meanwhile creepy eastern music is playing in the background. The girl stops talking on the phone and starts staring behind the guy. The guy realizing something is up turns around to witness a pack of rabbits frolicking behind him. He turns back to the cashier and says, “Yo, what’s with all the rabb…” and is assumedly taken down by the pack of rabbits, and we see fur flying. After that a voiceover douche says, “When you go to buy tobacco, you might not get attacked by wild rabbits, but you will get carded.” There are so many things wrong with this whole picture I have no idea where to start. Wait, yes I do.

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Gnarls Barkley!

Star Wars + Gnarls Barkley = Badass

Listen: Gnarls Barkley, “Crazy”

Quote: “It’s ok Butters, Margerine is a healthy alternative to butter.” – Myself

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Gilo’s Guide to Concertgoing Tragedy

     So I’m at a Mike Doughty concert last week at the TLA, a fairly small venue on South Street in Philadelphia. I am expecting a rather laid back atmosphere, some great music and not having to deal with the riffraff to be expected at concerts with more mainstream acts. I suppose I underestimated the effect of having some of Doughty’s songs play on shows like Grey’s Anatomy and the like. Needless to say, I had to deal with at least six different types of concert ruiners:

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And That’s Why You Should Never Pick Up After Me, Mom.

Ok, mother dear.

A couple of months ago, my mom got really pissed at me for putting a pair of pants in the laundry without pulling a pack of gum out of my pocket, and she had to clean up the whole dryer which was covered in gum that was “baked” to the inside of the dryer and was “impossible” to get off. Well, she got it off and I can’t imagine you could really bake anything in there, but her words, not mine. I agreed with her that I probably should’ve checked my pockets before I put it in the laundry, and since then I have done a great job of checking to make sure I don’t leave anything in there (I also ruined half of my clothes that I brought to England after leaving a pen in my pocket within the first two weeks Iwas there).

I guess I should’ve prefaced this with the fact that I am 21 and I still don’t do my own laundry. The justification for this, of course, is this: My mom genuinely enjoys doing domestic things such as cooking, cleaning and laundry, as is the tendency of all females.

But anyway, I had just recently explained to my mother that I didn’t appreciate it when she picks up what she thinks must be dirty clothes off of my floor, because I am just keeping them there until the next time I want to wear them. Seriously, the floor is as good as a place as any to keep laundry. She has tried to explain some complete fallacy about how air conditioning costs more when you have piles of clothing on your floor because it has to cool the clothes too. There’s no way that’s true, and it if is, then why discriminate between what has the right to be cool in the sweltering summers of southeastern Pennsylvania?

So I got done mulching on Saturday and put a pair of shorts that I was wearing on the floor, leaving a pack of gum in the front pocket. I had the full intention of removing said gum during its journey down the hall into the clothes hamper, but foolishly, my mom decided she would pick it up and, without checking the contents of the pockets, threw it into the laundry process. Needless to say, there was a repeat of a couple of months ago, and you would think that it was the end of the world with her reaction to this recurring tragedy.

I hope she has learned her lesson, because I’m just going to start throwing random pieces of gum into pockets chosen at random. Maybe even pockets of polo and dress shirts that are on my floor, just to keep things interesting for her. Laundry probably gets pretty boring without the occasional tough grass stain on the knee or random piece of Bubbleyum in the cargo pocket.

You’re very welcome in advance, mom.

Listen: Paul Simon, “You Can Call Me Al”

Quote: “I’ll take Apetit for 200.” – Burt Reynolds

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This is What a Post Looks Like

You’re a dirty (China) post.

This must be what a post looks like on our brand new baby blog!

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