We all love Chipotle. The soft flour tortilla overflowing with fluffy rice, juicy pepper and onions, mushy beans, succulent tender meats, spicy salsa, gooey guacamole and semi-melted jack cheese. My keyboard is covered in drool just thinking about it. My friend, the Steak Burrito with red salsa (hot), pinto beans and cheese, is probably the stupidest thing to eat the night before a job interview. The song “Tainted Love” springs into my head.
I arrived in College Park for a job interview in Arlington. Meeting up with my bros we drank some Buds (heavy, not light), got hungry and went to that old standby: the Greenbelt Chipotle. A straight shot up MD-193 with the omnipresent danger of hitting a day laborer crossing Greenbelt Road makes the sizzling scent of Chipotle all the more enticing. The fact that you may very well murder a Mexican en route to eat Mexican food somehow makes the burrito that much tastier. But I digress… We got our Chipotle, somehow managed not to eat it in the car and made our way back to 8802, a house so filled with empty beer bottles and cans that a homeless man buy his way off the street if he discovered that Shangri-la of recyclables. I forgot, this post is about the dangers of Chipotle…I’ll stay on topic. Chipotle finished, some more Bud time followed by bed time. Up early for the long Metro (Green + Orange) to Arlington, VA.
Now my friend, Tunde (a former Northern Virginia resident) said with absolute certainty that it would take me a solid 2 hours to get from CP to Arlington. My interview being at 9:30am, I figured I had better have my ass on the metro by 7:30 or I would be SOL. I woke up around 6:45 to shower with the shampoo mentioned here. I got my suit on, tied my tie, and more importantly, tied my shoes, hopped in the Sentra and got my white ass to the CP Metro station by 7:20. Now, my friend Tunde has been known to be wrong before, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when I got to Arlington at 8:40. So I had a solid 45 minutes to burn before I would even be considered early.
That’s when the tummy rumbles started.
You all know the feeling. The day after eating Chipotle, your stomach rumbles as if saying, “Get to a toilet”. However, I was in a foreign land and knew not where the bathroom was. I thought, “Tim, you’re a big boy, you can hold your shit until after the interview, you need this job dammit!” So I bought a Washington Post and set about distracting my bowels with news of world disorder. The rumbles subsided for a time, until I stood up and walked towards the office. By that time, the rumbles had turned into bubbles that were traveling rapidly from my stomach to my lower intestine and manifesting themselves as internal farts. (Aside: an internal fart is a fart that feels like a regular fart except that you can only feel it in your lower abdomen, no gas actually leaves the body, but anyone nearby can hear the vibration of your lower intestines) . With every step I took, the gas made of steak, beans and cheese remnants were destroying any chance of my cologne masking the smell. But, I took it like a man. I sucked in my gut and tried to hold it all in as the interview started.
I was at the head of a conference table with three people peppering questions at me. All was going well, I was making some jokes, keeping the people happy and generally talking about how great an employee I would be. Then someone asked, “How do you organize yourself”
An internal fart answered, “GRRRRRRRRRRRUP”
I answered, “I like to make lists”.
Then I was asked, “Intramural officiating, huh, what’d you learn from that?”
“BRRRRRRRRR”. Tthe chair shakes.
“Oh man, well you really need to have thick skin to do that job, people say some nasty things”. My face turning bright red as I am certain that everyone else in the room has heard my in-farts.
So finally the interview ends and I’m asked to complete a travel request form. Luckily, I’m left alone in a room for 30 minutes while I complete this task. To my chagrin, the gas has passed and I don’t even get the satisfaction of farting my brains out and giggling to myself while I complete this inane task. And I still didn’t know where the bathroom was.
I finish my assignment and I am so happy that the interview is finally over. But no! I am given “the grand tour” of the building (really helpful if I don’t end up getting this job) while I’m squeezing my butt cheeks together to avoid letting out a high-pitched toot. I’m hoping they’ll show me the bathrooms but at the same it’s pretty awkward to take 25 minutes out of an interview to go drop the kids off as your future boss waits while you serenade the Men’s Room with a symphony of echoing toilet farts and shart noises. At the end of the tour, I’m shown the door, so I’m expected to leave. I can’t just run back in and dominate the bathroom. Back on the Metro for another 45 minutes and, as all DC area college students have learned the hard way, there are no bathrooms in the magnificent Metro system. That’s alright though because I’ve held a piss from Stadium-Armory to College Park so holding in my Chipotle shits for another hour ain’t no thing. My bodily functions simply shut down when those red lights start blinking on the platform.
Once I get off in CP, the rumbles start again, but I’m finally fortunate to fart freely. I rush to the Sentra, and peel out of the parking garage. Cross the Maryland campus, past the Comcast Center, across Greenbelt Road and back to 8802. My friend Anthony, an Italian, is on the front lawn tanning, says, “Lookin’ spiffy dude, how’d it go?”
“Dude, I gotta take a shit, I’ll tell you later.”
“Fair enough dude, have fun”
I rush downstairs past the Natty boxes and, AT LAST, I get to take the long-awaited Chipotle dump that I had been waiting for all morning. It was awesome. Nothing like pooping your brains out and then seeing the undigested corn brightening the bowl like stars in the night sky. I felt like Harry in Dumb and Dumber after that massive Hershey squirt sesh.
If you’ve learned anything from this rant, don’t eat Chipotle the night before a job interview. While the dump I took was awesome, it was not worth the morning of tummy rumbles, internal farts, butt cheek squeezing and rectal nervousness.
ROFLMAO! that’s hilarious
LoooooL
that was the most beautiful story of a poop that i have ever read
Greatest story ever!
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BTW, since your interesting and informative article was written, the Burger King Chipotle Whopper has entered the marketplace. While additively delicious, it is the single greatest gas producing product ever offered commercially. Of course, I’m only mentioning this in the interest of science.
I had a 6ft long, never ending shit from it.