As I mentioned in my Don’t Call it a Comeback post, I had previously written a guide for driving in the snow. It was a scathing masterpiece of epic proportions and I had everything that I wanted in it. I lost it, but here is my attempt to recreate the post. Keep in mind, this is occurring in March and we haven’t had decent snow since, well, I can’t remember the date but it was a long time ago. When I had previously written the post, I had just come back from a trip on the Eastern Shore in the snow and all this was fresh in my mind. I’m going to try to hit on all the topics that I had written in the original post, but I fear some of the topics and most of the fire will be lost. I hope this turns out okay.
For some reason, although it gets hit with an average of two moderate snowstorms a year, no one in the DC area seems to be able to grasp the fact that when there is snow on the road it’s wise to change one’s driving habits. This is evidenced by the number of car accidents that inevitably accompany any amount of snow falling in or around the area. I thought it might be a wise idea to put out a comprehensive guide on what it takes to handle this wacky and unheard of thing they call snow.
#1. Do not properly clean the snow off your car. This one is almost a no brainer. In low visibility conditions like falling snow, you want to make your already hard to see vehicle is invisible to other cars. This will allow you to elude the other drivers. As an added bonus, huge chunks of snow flying off of your car can cause other people to crash, clearing more of the road for you.
#2. Stay on your cell phone. Driving in the snow takes no more concentration than listening to that pop song you’ve heard a million times. As you can sing the words to that song without thinking, so you can drive in snow without thinking. Nothing’s any different, continue changing lanes without signaling, driving twenty miles an hour below the speed limit in the fast lane, and generally being a horrible driver.
#3. Step hard on those brakes. It’s tougher to stop in the snow. Everyone knows this. The only logical option is to slam on the brakes as hard as you can, ensuring that they lock up. Don’t worry, you probably won’t spin out of control or anything. If you have anti-lock brakes, you should probably just use the emergency brake. Someone slowing down a quarter of a mile ahead of you qualifies as an emergency right?
#4. Tailgate closely. Since we’ve established that it’s harder to stop in snow, it’s probably wise to tailgate the person in front of you as closely as humanly possible. Since you won’t be able to stop, it’s probably best to have a vehicle in front of you that can stop you instead.
#5. Turn the wheel hard. It’s logical to think that your ability to turn quickly might be impaired by snowy conditions. Be sure to jerk the wheel hard and fast so your car will respond as quickly as you want it to. Don’t worry, I’ve done the math. There is only a 99.9% chance that you’ll lose control of the vehicle.
#6. Panic wildly at every situation. See that car slowly inching into your lane? It’s time to overreact. Being calm behind the wheel isn’t going to get you there any faster.
#7. Turn into the skid. Let’s be honest, the chances of you being able to turn out of the skid are slim to none. Your only shot is to hero your way through and pull a full 360 degree turn.
#8. Aim for ditches/trees. After you’ve lost control of your vehicle, your main concern should be to stop as quickly as possible. To this end, aim for the nearest immovable object to slow you down. Bonus points if you manage to end with the car overturned.
#9. Gawk at accidents as you pass them. Regardless of what you’ve heard, the best way to avoid an accident is not to pay attention to the road. Observe the accident carefully and try to ascertain exactly what happened, making sure to keep your eyes firmly off the road. It’s cool to drift into another lane while doing this.
#10. Use those high beams. Snow blindness is a myth. No expert worth his salt will ever tell you that it’s possible for your high beams to reflect light right back into your face. In fact, it’s scientifically impossible.
I hope this guide proves helpful to all you potential fatalities out there. I’ll leave you with the most important point: Have fun. Nothing bad ever happens when you’re enjoying yourself.
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Listen: The Offspring, “Bad Habit”
Read: “Dumbass.”- Red Foreman
hey, is that a picture of my car? 😛 on a recent snow storm, that was me. On the cell phone, hit a patch of ice, over compensating.