Help Us Dave Chappelle, You’re Our Only Hope

It has now been five years since Dave Chappelle left the entertainment world to go chill out on his Ohio farm.  At first, his absence from Comedy Central simply meant a lot of unsuccessful sketch shows in his former time slot.  Now, the lack of Chappelle in the social commentary is hurting out country.  No other black comedian since has had a similar television show, and those that do (Tyler Perry) aren’t funny and show white America the “Family Matters” side of black America.  Chappelle made us all laugh at the blatant racism and bigotry that still exists in our country despite all the talk of equality and a “post-racial” society.  Whether it be the Gay KKK, Friday Night Sissy Fights, Real Real World, The World is Not Meant for Us, or any other sketch, Chappelle was not only making us laugh but also making us think just a little bit.

Alright, I’m not going to go into some diatribe about the socio-economic importance of black comic commentary in America, although I could, but that wouldn’t be in line with the Ranty McRanterson policy on seriousness (none is allowed).  So, Mr. Chappelle, if you’re listening…PLEASE COME BACK.  Here is a list of possible sketches I thought of for you.  You don’t have to pay me for them, just come back.  If you don’t, the possibility exists that Demetri Martin or Carlos Mencia would get a show again.  Do you really want that on your conscience Dave?  Do you?

Read Full Post »

Great Ideas in Action: Commercializing Commercials

     As promised in the promo, this is a new section in Ranty. Yes, the title is 100% lifted from Calvin and Hobbes. As with Calvin’s Great Ideas in Action, I suspect that no one else will think that these are good ideas. Well too damn bad. It’s my blog and I’m going to share my super ideas whose time have not yet come. I’ve always been before my time.

     This idea is for a cable network that shows only commercials. Yes, you read correctly, only commercials. Allow me to explain. I’ve always been a pro with the remote control. My former roommates can attest to that fact. I’m always sure to have a primary and an alternate channel for when the primary goes to commercial. It works passably, but sometimes I am confronted with the situation where my primary and alternate channels have commercials at the same time. This puts me in the unenviable position of having to find a second alternate. I have honed my skills to a point where I can accurately predict when a show is coming back withing three seconds by feel alone. Having to find a second alternate invariably throws my timing off and I am usually late coming back to the primary channel. As a remote control perfectionist, I find this unacceptable.

Read Full Post »

The Greatest (and Worst) Commerical Campaigns of All Time

     Let’s face it, commercials are annoying. I used to have Direct TV and could record shows and view them later in order to skip over the network’s attempts to pay for the programming that I was enjoying. Unfortunately, due someone moving in with an already existing two year contract, we switched to Comcast. We do not have a DVR and I am frequently forced to find alternate channels during commercial breaks. I am the king of this move, but more often than not all the networks seem to take their commercial breaks at the same time. Irresponsible. The channels that I watch should anticipate my needs and stagger their break times. Come on man, get it together. Anyway, after a few months of having to watch crap commercials, I have a new found appreciation for the great commercials of our time. I’m not talking about stand alone commercials, that would be too easy. Actually too hard. I don’t want to have to go have to think about this post all that much. I’ll do three of my favorites.

Read Full Post »

The USS (Useless Shitty Ship) Steve Irwin

     Friday marked the season finale of the Animal Planet show Whale Wars. For those of you unacquainted with the show, it chronicles the voyages of the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, a group opposed to whaling, as they confront Japanese whalers off the coast of Antarctica. While watching, I was amused by their total ineptitude in trying to stop the Japanese whalers and during the course of two episodes I filled a clipboard of examples of this total lack of professionalism and experience. I will begin by giving a summary of the involved parties and then delve into my own grievances.

Read Full Post »

The Future of Sports

     So I was watching someone’s number being retired and a thought occurred to me. What happens hundreds of years in the future when all the numbers start getting retired? And yes, American football, baseball and hockey will be around that far into the future. Soccer and professional basketball will not be. Let’s face it, those sports blow and I have seen the glorious future with flying cars, portable satellite television and a bionic Shane Victorino. Either way, I’m not here to debate the legitimacy of terrible sports, only to speculate as to what will happen when all the numbers have retired.

Read Full Post »

Hero of the Month – July 2009

This Month’s Hero: Tyler Perry

Don't give me that look, you know what you did.

     This month’s Hero is the great Tyler Perry. This man had done more to infuriate me in the past few years than almost anyone on the face of the planet. Except Tim Tebow. I hate hearing that damn name. Why the hell is everyone on that dude’s balls! Bring it down Clint, easy. Okay, back to Tyler Perry. I have included a summary of his works from IMDb:

Read Full Post »

Dr. Dylan Walsh – Apes to Plastic Surgery

Dr. Dylan Walsh in Congo

Now I know why I love Nip/Tuck so much. Dylan Walsh, who plays Dr. Sean McNamara in FX’s Nip/Tuck, was cast as Dr. Peter Elliot in the modern marvel of American cinema, Congo (1995).

This also happened to be my favorite movie from my childhood, so it only makes sense that my young adulthood would be heavily influenced by Nip/Tuck.

Dr. Dylan Walsh in Nip/Tuck

It’s amazing how Hollywood develops an actor’s skills. Dylan Walsh plays a doctor in both of his major roles, and over the course of a little less than 10 years, Dr. Walsh went from studying ape culture (and their insatiable thirst for diamonds) in the Congo region of Africa to becoming one of the most prominent plastic surgeons in the Miami and Los Angeles areas.

To celebrate the 10th anniversary of Congo, Dr. Walsh persuaded the writers of Nip/Tuck to showcase both of his talents, by performing plastic surgery on an ape. One of Walsh’s close friends in Hollywood, whom he met on the set of Congo where she was an extra, is Kiki the Gorilla. She acts as herself in the episode from Season 3 (Episode 2, Kiki), and needs plastic surgery done to remove a scar from her face, so her online-gorilla-lover will mate with her when they finally meet for the first time in gorilla.

I’ll save you the trouble – McNamara/Troy does the surgery, but when Kiki and the male gorilla meet, the male gorilla notices something is different and kills her.

Webcams don’t lie.

Read Full Post »

Introducing the Next American Gladiator

Ok, I’ve put a lot of thought into this Re: the new American Gladiators. What’s better than a cocky yet confident New York City Fireman, or a Youth Pastor with a heart of gold?

You guessed it: a hobo with a chip on his shoulder.

It would be perfect — the great American success story unfolding in front of the audience’s eyes, not to mention accented by Hulk Hogan and Tatiana Laila Ali’s expert (and completely candid) commentary. From rags to riches, an instant hero – who would have more to fight for than a man who travels the country by hitchhiking and jumping onto moving trains.

That lifestyle would certainly prepare you for the physical challenge of American Gladiators – and the $100,000 purse would lead our new homeless friend into a frenzy. What could he do with that kind of money – oh, the possibilities.

And if he won the whole thing, he could be the next American Gladiator.

Everyone knows that an essential component to being on American Gladiators is not only brawn, but the brains to come up with the perfect name.

Wolf – This guy is basically ripped out of The Jungle Book, he is Mowgli’s father – he howls and everything.

Justice – 6’8″ 290 lbs. tank – his name provides endless puns on delivering justice, serving justice, being judge, jury and executioner etc.

Hellga – self-explanatory

Crush – she’s pretty but will put a hurtin’ on you, much like Orange Crush (the soda) or Blue Crush (the movie/wave)

And now, I present you with Vagabond. Once he fought a mountain lion to protect the territory he’d marked with his very own urine, and he’s wrestled steer to the ground and killed them with his bare hands for food.

So writers and talent scouts – be on the lookout for this guy, he’s your ticket not only to ratings galore, but also to America’s heart.

Read Full Post »

Prime Time TV Analyst: Grey’s Anatomy

     Just to put my biases out there right away, I think Grey’s Anatomy sucks ass. I have found only one redeeming quality about the show, and that’s that they played a Mike Doughty song during one of the episodes (I heard). Actually, I’m not sure if I like a show like Grey’s Anatomy degrading a Doughty classic. What I don’t understand is how a show like Grey’s Anatomy could become so popular. Let’s compare this show to some of the other medical related shows out there right now.

Read Full Post »

Jon Stewart: A Pictorial Analysis

My opinion of Jon Stewart is very similar to my opinion of Richard Nixon. My enduring yet entirely heterosexual love for Nixon grew out of my observation of the boiling hatred he inspired in all of my college professors. I figured, “Hey, if these schmucks hate him so much, he can’t be all that bad.” On the other hand, everyone I talk to loves Jon Stewart. From the praise that is continually lavished upon this individual, I expected the laughter he might induce to literally blow my intestines out through my stomach wall. I’ve been forced to conclude that no one who attracts such widespread and unanimous praise can be all the great (I call this “The Jim Carrey Effect”).

Read Full Post »