So I’m at a Mike Doughty concert last week at the TLA, a fairly small venue on South Street in Philadelphia. I am expecting a rather laid back atmosphere, some great music and not having to deal with the riffraff to be expected at concerts with more mainstream acts. I suppose I underestimated the effect of having some of Doughty’s songs play on shows like Grey’s Anatomy and the like. Needless to say, I had to deal with at least six different types of concert ruiners:
Type I: New Album Singalongers
You can tell these total bandwagon jumpers by their silence during any song that is more than a year old or has never been played on the radio. I’m placing them first on the list because they enrage me the most. There is NOTHING I hate more than going to a concert to hear someone play and sing and instead having to listen to other people scream the lyrics at the top of their lungs. What possible purpose could this serve? Do they not know that doing this in no way distinguishes them from the other twenty or so goobers doing the same thing? Bottom line, I came to see Mike Doughty’s Band, not Mike Doughty’s Band starring lead vocalists Idiots 1-10; sing it to yourself douche.
Type II: Woman Standing Directly To The Left And Screaming Whenever Something Good Is Going On
This type is almost as bad because they also contribute cutting down on what I can hear coming off the stage. If you’ve ever heard a live recording on the radio, you’ve probably heard someone screaming at various points in the song. Imagine how loud they would have to have been to be picked up on the recording. Now imagine that person standing not three feet away and doing the same thing. It would be so bad if the screaming came at the end of the song, but alas, she had to do the screaming whenever someone would do an amazing solo or something like that, thereby ruining the mood completely. The only punishment appropriate here would have been for me to follow her around for the next couple days and scream obnoxiously every time she tried to talk.
Type III: Drugged Up/Drunk Dancers
Although entertaining for the first twelve seconds, this type gets to annoying at about twenty seconds in and downright embarrassing at anything after thirty seconds. Everyone had quite the show at this particular concert. First we had the girl who apparently thought she was in some sort of rap video by the way she was dancing (I’ll give Jeff credit for taking those words right from our conversation). The other was a kid who cut in front of us (this phenomena will be addressed shortly) toward the end of the concert and proceeded to make a complete ass of himself. I wish I could do his dance any type of justice by describing it here, but this is truly one of those times where you just had to be there. If I had to try to explain it, I would call it some sort of monkey dance. It involved rocking back and forth between legs held stiffly, accompanied by the occasional 360-degree rotation. It made me embarrassed to be white, male, and human all at the same time.
Type IV: Camera Phoners
This type doesn’t really piss me off that much, but by their sheer volume I deem them worthy of mention. The ones that piss me off the most are the idiots who spend the entire concert trying to get the best picture. First off, it’s a camera phone so we’re talking like four pixels. At this resolution you can almost determine what color shirt the artist is wearing. Second, it’s a concert, as in bright flashing lights mixed with periods of pitch-blackness. Not exactly the best of circumstances to nab that perfect shot. Give up already.
Type V: Crowd Cutters
These people apparently believe they are better than everyone else. Sure I stood in the same spot during the two opening bands to make sure that I was relatively close to the stage, but don’t worry about it, you can push your way right in between my friends and I standing shoulder to shoulder and stand directly in front of us. Although, I suppose it was our fault for leaving more than an inch between us and the people standing in front of us. This category of ignoramus can be supplemented by the woman who cuts in front of you and then after a half hour asks you and the people standing four deep behind you if her hair is blocking your view. Hey, at least she moved it in time for you to see the band exiting the stage.
Type VI: A-Hole Who Has Already Been to Doughty Concerts And Tells His Friends What’s Going To Happen Next
Sigh, this one actually refers to me. I didn’t want to be accused of providing an incomplete list, so I’ll have to explain my own rudeness as well. As a veteran of many Mike Doughty concerts, I have heard enough to occasionally know what’s going to be going on in the next couple minutes. I like to blurt it out as quickly as possible to prove to everyone that yes, I am great. Toward the end of the concert I realized that even my friends didn’t really care what I did or didn’t know and just wanted me to shut up. Single tear.
Anyway, this is not a complete list by any means. Depending on the venue you may have to deal with other such classic concert ruiners as “Teenager Who Drank Too Much And Is Now Passed Out In A Pool Of His Own Vomit”, or “Middle Aged Loser Who Clearly Has No Place At This Jimmy Eat World Concert”. Keep a weather eye out for these people, as they provide an excellent topic of conversation on the ride home. Enjoy.
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Listen: Mike Doughty, “True Dreams of Wichita”
Quote:
Master Shake: “Well he’s supposed to be next door harvesting the crops. Picking our dinner. See, we’re farming now, we’re farmers. It’s an honest life.”
Meatwad: “We ain’t got no holly leaves over there, we ate that whole bush yesterday. That’s why the bathroom hurt so bad!”
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