Fantasy Football
It has recently come to my attention that ‘Fantasy Football’ is a creation of the NFL marketing department. In a bold move to increase watchership, the NFL commissioned a team of approximately 4,000 former U.S. Presidents, retired Army personnel, and out of work cabbies to create this league and then pass it off to the public as an organically created orgy of jockery. Instead of watching just one team’s game, players of ‘Fantasy Football’ are all but required to follow every player on every team to see how their league is doing. Through my network of reliable resources, I have discovered that the NFL has increased their viewership and merchandising by 6,248.33333333% as of last season. Well done. Rumors have it that Ben Roethlisberger was about to blow this conspiracy out of the water, when the NFL silenced him with a staged motorcycle crash that erased his memory. Very convenient.
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Listen: Jadakiss, “Un-Hunh!”
Quote: “To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.” – Jack Handy
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Football Statistics
While everyone has noticed that in recent years, football statistics have been getting more and more specific and obscure, only I have divined the reason why. Turns out it is a ploy by John Madden. He has been secretly adding pieces to a humongous database, which contains all football knowledge ever. With this information, he plans to chart the course of football for years to come with insane statistical probabilities. He will make trillions in gambling gains, raise his own army and take over several African nations, where he will start a new football league that will hearken to what he perceives to be the ‘good old days’ of football. He currently provides random statistics to the NFL to pay the maintaining fees on his data base and to give him information to make stupid comments about.
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Listen: Incubus, “A Certain Shade of Green”
Quote: “Canada should just attack another country. Man, no one would see that coming. Greatest coup in military history. Lay low for 275 years. Then attack…Turkey! Just show up, ‘Guess what, we’re takin’ it.’ ” – Jeremy Hotz
“coo”? Seriously I would expect better from you.
For the record, I did take it from his website and that’s how it’s spelled there. But yes, I will change it.
Why in that photo of John Madden does it say ‘BEER’ in clouds?
I see the words “PEACE AND ENLIGHTENMENT” in those clouds. It’s pretty subjective, I think.