As you may or may not know, Ranty McRanterson was recently riding a tidal wave of popularity. In March 2010, our hit count was 1,133. That number marked a steady increase since Ranty’s founding in roughly 10,000 BC. Yes, it was a pretty flat line there for a while. In April 2010, I noticed a sharp spike in our monthly hit count, up to 1,873. Nice, but nothing to write home about. I figured it would drop back down the next month. But then May rolled along. Ranty’s hit count skyrocketed to 3,864. We saw it as a sign. We were now gods among mortals. We started buying houses and cars well beyond our means, gave ourselves huge bonuses and chartered a private spaceship ride to Mars.
Because of these extra-curricular activities, our devotion to our loyal readers fell markedly. It’s hard to rant when you’re slaying biddies at the clubs and flying to Tokyo in 1/0th class. Don’t even know what that is? If you have to ask, you can’t afford it. You poor shlub. Okay, I’ll tell you a little about it. It involves riding on a giant eagle whose wings are made of gold weave that is softer than silk. The point is, our duties fell far to the wayside.
June came around. I noticed our hit count had fell slightly to 3,172. The Board and I looked at it and decided it was just a regular fluctuation in the hit count market. Nothing to worry about, supply and demand rise and fall every once in a while. The market would shake itself out with us on top. We’d be fine. We continued to live the lifestyle to which we had become accustomed. It is only now we know how wrong we really were. We continued to neglect our readership. We ignored the warning signs and maintained our ride to disaster.
In July the bottom fell out. We dropped like a $200,000 jewel encrusted rock. Hit count down to a measly 1,064. Our stockholders suffered horribly, but luckily we managed to save enormous bonuses for the higher-ups. That’s not to say that we’re not suffering. We had to cancel the reservation on Jupiter for our annual board Christmas party and settle for the Moon. We know you, the reader, has suffered almost as much as we have. We sincerely apologize for this.
We have formulated a plan, but it calls for some sacrifice from our fan base. We require a modest hit count bailout, which we plan on paying back at zero interest somewhere between the next decade and when the Universe ends. Before you ask, yes, we will be giving ourselves bonuses again this year. Yes, we know it sounds disingenuous, but let’s be real for a second. You don’t know what it’s like to operate at the level we were on. We can’t go back to living like you. You can afford to bail us out, because you’ll never be as successful as us. We alone must bear that burden. Thank you for your time and write to your congressman insisting on a Ranty McRanterson bailout.
Post Script: If anyone actually writes to their congressman for a bailout of Ranty McRanterson, please let us know. I really want to see what that reply letter says.
—
Listen: Young Jeezy and Plies, “Lose My Mind”
Read: “United States of SPACE!” – Black Bush
Wow, I had no idea that my visits numbered in the quadruple digits. I really ought to cut back, but it goes to a good cause. (I think)
I have to ask though, weren’t there more ranters? Not that Clint isn’t simply enthralling, but I swear he wasn’t the only one.
And why am I the only poster? The next random person to read this rant had better post, or they shall feel the horrible wrath of Ready!